“... I'm always here to help you in anything.” I was teary-eyed after reading that short message replied to my Christmas greetings, for it gave warmth to my heart. On the other hand, I was awed how these few words can pull me back to the scar of the past I cannot forget. I'm not referring to a pain of broken romance, but the pain of rejection and abandonment. I can still recall that day, it's been 12 years but it seems like it just happened yesterday. The memory is so vivid, even the feelings attached to it.
It happened when I was still a Grade 3 student. Papa gave me a blue G-shock watch a.k.a baby-G as a gift for me when he paid us a visit in the province. Much to my delight, the day after papa gave that watch I wore and showed it to my classmates with full glory, “Tignan mo o, baby-G, bigay sa 'kin ng Papa ko 'yan!” then draw my 10-megawatt smile. It has a white-painted metal frame to protect the glass face of the watch, with buttons that changes the time and setting, and a button that makes the face glow. I showed it with full of excitement and joy to every classmate that I saw that day, if I'm not mistaken, I even showed it to our class bully. Due to much enjoyment and curiosity, I pushed the different buttons of the watch then suddenly it had a “glitch”. I didn't know what to do at that moment, and to my fright and despair, I ask a classmate to fix it for me. My worry then turn back to happiness.
Suddenly, their treatment became cold towards me that day afternoon. I wondered, what have I done wrong? They teased me, called me by names, and even called me “mayabang”. Have I been boastful? They became mad at me – my classmates, my crush, the class bully, and even the person I treated as my best friend. I wasn't able to handle their coldness and anger, so I sulk and weep. They were talking around me while I was weeping on my arm chair. I heard them saying, “Ang yabang niya,” “Inayos ko nga 'yung relo niya kanina 'di man lang nag-thank you." They misunderstood the happiness I have projected through my baby-G watch. Then I heard a voice, from a female classmate who just entered our room. She didn't know what happened, so she asked, “Anong nangyari?” I looked at her, and inside my head, I was begging for her to take my side. To stand for me. “*insert name*, kampihan mo ako please.." Her presence gave me hope that I won't be alone. I looked at her face, it was blurry because of the tears in my eyes, saying in my mind, “Maawa ka sa 'kin, *insert name*.” But much to my surprise, she didn't heed to my silent pleading and said, “Ayokong masali diyan." She decided to play safe. My weep then turned to a cry. I cried and cried, sitting on my chair, putting my arms on the table and laying my forehead on my arms, just crying expecting my pain would be gone.
When I got tired of crying, I looked up and look around me. The room was empty. It was just me, the classroom chairs, the blackboard, my classmates' school bags, and the teacher's table and chair. I bowed down and started to cry again. I was alone. No one cared for me. They abandoned me, even the person I considered as my best friend. No one comforted me. All of them abandoned me. I was just a child, what have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? They were not insecure at me, I can't think of any reason for them to be insecure at me. They were smarter than me, those who caused the feud. They were richer than me, all of them who were against me. They should have been considerate to me, I am two years younger than them They should have treated me like a little sister. The worst part is, the person who I treated my best friend, just proved that I'm not her best friend, for she abandoned me.
I heard a creak from the metal door of our classroom. I didn't cared who entered the room for I didn't need to be comforted any more. I didn't want any amount of sympathy from someone any more. She spoke, and heard her voice, it was familiar. She tried to raise my head from my position, but I resisted. She tried again, but failed. She then said words that convinced me, so I voluntarily raised my head and looked at her face. It was my favourite teacher, my piano lesson tutor, my class adviser – Sister M*** M********. She assisted me as I stood up from my chair, held my arms as she guided me to the school clinic.
As she rummage the medicine box of the clinic, she keep on asking questions like, “Masakit ba ulo mo?” “Ano nararamdaman mo Angelica?” I can see the worry in her face, but I was already sobering and silent. I didn't know how to answer her. She then said, “ Dito ka muna, Angelica,” then exited the clinic. I stayed to the very place inside the clinic where she left me. I was standing in front a tall mirror. I can't remember what I have felt on that moment. Maybe I already felt empty. I looked at the mirror behind me, and saw the reflection of a 7-year old girl with a mole on her nape, wearing a white uniform with disarrayed blue collar designed with 3 white stripes, her eyes were glistening and swollen, hair bun was so messy, red and thick lips shining because of spit, puffy cheeks moisten by tears. Nakakaawa siya.
That memory had a great impact to my character. As I grow up, I become resentful, distant to people, became sceptic towards the intention of people around me, distrustful to people, and it made me mean, a bad girl inside. In spite of the pain, I learned to stand for myself, become independent, not wanting nor asking help from any people in any kind. Trauma can either tend the victim to violence or silence. From then on, I chose to be silent, observant of the people around me. I preferred to stay beside than to go under the limelight. But, along the way, I struggled with my dark side. I read a certain quote from the pavement of our elementary school and kept it as a tenet until now: “Never give up; Giving up is the greatest mistake." I struggled to change my perspective. Sought God. Sought myself. I smiled to them who caused me such wary, started new beginnings by mingling with new classmates I met in high school and college, but there were stimuli that keeps on stumbling on the way that reminds me of that past I've been trying to forget. There were also those “One step forward, two step backward” moments. I have forgiven the people who have caused me that pain, but the incident really induced a big impact, a great trauma that buries one of my foot in the past. I will never be able to forget that trauma, and all I can do for now is to increase my tolerance on the pain it carries, and this I can do by keeping myself stronger by each battle I fight. Letting go doesn't mean that things should be forgotten forever, it means that there are things that can't be changed and one must accept and learn from it in order to move on. I must let it go to protect the people in my present, the people I care for, and also myself from any greater danger that this trauma might cause in the future.
“For every effect there is a root cause. Find and address the root rather than try to fix the effect, as there is no end to the latter." That traumatic experience is just the effect of a root cause. Through in-depth thinking and analysis and revelations of untold secrets from the past, I finally found the root cause of all this things: IMMATURITY.
