Una't Huling Mamahalin - Louie Heredia

I Had A Dream...or should I say NIGHTMARE, O.O

            I woke up from a dream this morning that made me ask myself, “What was that for?” As a dream interpretation enthusiast, I didn't just put a “never mind” stamp on that matter. What was my dream all about that made me agitated like this? In my dream, my family lived in an abandoned building that seemed to be a hideout of typical crime syndicates. My family has a big debt and the lenders are hunting for them. Their only means  to pay those lenders was to “sell” me to a politician who wants me for his sexual needs. Their debts in return of my body. I love my parents, but I don't want to give my purity just because of that reason. I said “no” with sturdiness in my diction and voice. The words “dignity” and “principle” are already flashing on my mind, but my parents were insisting me to do so, saying that it's a necessity and I should do it for their sake. The politician was already examining me from head to foot. If I am not mistaken, he is already at his mid-50s, and he looks at me with full of lust, and said “bata pa”. At that time I've been aching to escape and get out of my place. I can't remember how it happened but he succeed with his plan. He did something that was against my will and I can't bear the pain. He wanted to do it again, and I couldn't take it any more. As I wander my eyes through the lifeless room of the abandoned building, I saw a window without glasses where I could fit my body and escape from the misery I'm in to. When I found an opportunity, I ran to the window and escape from the building. But the politician has two bodyguards who he commanded to capture me and bring me to him. I was able to escape the vicinity of the building, and because of my eagerness to escape those bodyguards, I reach a mall that is so strange. The basement and lower ground floor seemed to be on the bottom of the ocean, the mall was like 6 or more floors high, and it has fountains inside that reaches the ceiling. The chasing keeps on, to the point that I plead a Chinese/Italian/American express restaurant owner to allow me to hid myself on their storage room. Their storage room was too small, and all of their equipments and cooking stuff was made of stainless, like the ones usually seen on a cooking TV contest. The last scene I can remember in that dream was that I was looking at a big stainless box of mixed left over food, there were cheese, pasta, macaroni that are still palatable and can be eaten. Weew, what an odd dream!

            I search the internet about the interpretation of my dream and found out that being rape in the dream means that the dreamer was powerless and humiliated in reality at some point in his/her past. Also, according to the article I have read, this dream could have been triggered by a recent event. Night before I sleep, I had a conversation with a friend who wants me to tell the reason why the people around me, even a former dean, are pushing me to be on top of the upcoming board exam. I wanted to tell him, but I can't because the incident is too fresh that I can still feel the pain every time I reminisce it and there are too many people that was involved in that incident to point that there were relationships that were broken and agitated. I wanted to share my experience and feelings about that incident to him, but I am also bound by my promise to myself and to my Alma Mater, a promise to protect all the prominent people involved, especially the sensitivity of that case. I can't just blurt it out to him, for the things at stake are too heavy to handle. Maybe that made me powerless to tell him my story, a humiliating story that conveys a lesson on principle, discernment and dignity that he might learn something but I can't tell him especially in written form. Maybe one day he might knew it, but not this time.

            Another thing that I would like to put on emphasis is the part when my parents in my dreams forced me to do things against my will. In reality, this is a fact. I've done a lot of things against my will for their sake even if I got to the point of destroying myself. I sacrificed my principles for their benefit. I arrived to that decision because the problem was caused by me, and the only thing I could do was to let go my stand so they won't suffer that much like I do. Up until now, I've been putting down my belief even if it's painstaking just to keep my family intact. They cannot accept the fact that I don't want to be part of the church they are part of. I can't even introduce to them that I want to be part of a new church. I feel I'm being choked, I respect that they wanted to stick with our current church but I hope that they respect what I believe in. Every Sunday, instead of devoting my time to God for 2 hours, I can't help myself but to flew my mind away from what's happening during that 2 hours ceremony. I feel suffocated, I'm not growing spiritually with the church they want me to stick with. I hate conformity, and that is definitely against my will. I'm not growing with the traditional method of preaching of that church, and I can't bear it any more. I feel like I'm dying inside. How I wish this agony will end immediately.

The War Inside ~critical thoughts~

            It's almost a year when the incident has passed but I can still fell the agony and guilt. I read on a horoscope reading site that for an Arian to manifest his(in my case, “her”) straightforwardness, an Arian must avoid negative emotions such as resentment, regret, and self-pity. I am still resentful due to my mistakes, I can't stop myself from looking back to the past that could have been better if just didn't let myself gave in to the tide of my feeling. I read on  fact-stating fanpage in Facebook that overthinking creates problems that weren't existing at the first place. I can see myself overthinking frequently, and for me to resolve this overthinking, I need to look back to contemplate and do some checking on what should I have done to prevent things from happening. Still, can't find the answers, and end up having a guilt feeling because of everything happened. As I recall tons of memories, the burden becomes heavier and heavier. If I were to specify each regret it would be too much of pain. I already said in my graduation photo caption I posted in my Facebook account that:

 “Bitterness is the result when we hold on too much of the past. Past is past, but that doesn't mean everything should be left behind the past. Part of this past are mistakes that were uninvited at its occurrence due to some circumstances, but in order to prevent the same mistakes from reoccurring, one must carry the life lessons learned from those mistakes, become a better and resilient person for every battle fought and won. That's the SILVER LINING OF MISTAKES – a bag of new lessons for you to carry on. ”

            If I am defeating my own statement, that means I am a hypocrite. I hate hypocrites, and since I am hypocrite then I hate myself too, which in turn a form of self-pity. I must let go these negative emotions, but I still feel so afraid and weak to do such things. I wanted to give up all of this to Him but I am having doubts, and afraid that I may take advantage of Him. I still want to maintain the equilibrium inside me, I want to be a Christian, but not a super Christian who do hardcore ministry activities and all Christ-centered stuff, have a mindset that I can be ethereal and better than others spiritually. On the other side, I still want to put my feet on the ground, be part of the game the society have been playing for centuries with their tactics and guiding principles that have been passed on from one generation to another generation. I want balance, I want harmony, I want inner peace. I am a human being created by God saved by His Son Jesus Christ. On the other hand, I feel that as a Chemical Engineering graduate I have an obligation on the advancement and salvation of humanity from its deterioration, and as a daughter and breadwinner in the future I have a great obligation to my family. And in my point of view, this is also one of my ways to serve His people, well I don't know if He will account it as a service to His people in honour of Him. I want to be a Humanist, be guided by the principles derived from philosophies I have acquired as I walk along the road, and at the same time I want to be a Christian, be guided by the teaching of Jesus Christ as I walk with Him. There are times that I feel like my principles as a Humanist contradicts my principles as a Christian, and that instances makes me feel indecisive, unmoved. I can't put down one in favour of the other, for I myself has the tendency to be an extremist, and if I choose one from the other, I could be an extreme Humanist or a Super-Christian and I can't bear myself living on the extreme.

            In science, randomness is equivocal to spontaneity, and equilibrium is to stillness. I am pro-spontaneity, I'm not much into orderliness. Every companies' main goal is to be profitable in order to sustain the needs of the company through money. But in order for a company to be profitable, it has to have an ordered structure for it to be balanced. I have learned in our Engineering Management subject that every branch has a manager or authority to follow. Individually, I'm a person who doesn't like being bossed around at extremity, yes you can guide me but not command or control me. Having a strict authority over me makes me feel non-spontaneous. But I must admit that I still can't stand on my own feet, I'm just 20(turning 21 this March) and I still have a lot of things that I should learn. But deep inside, I need to be in equilibrium for me to keep myself at balance. Oh well, maybe I still can't establish a strong foundation, I'm being so rattled and worried like this because once I enter the world of engineering that awaits me, I don't want to conform with the existing system of the company I may be part of in the future. Oh damn, I'm overthinking again! I really hate this! I hope I could resolve these chains of dilemma sooner.

Coz I'm giving up on him...BUT not on LOVE,:)

“I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have love you

for a thousand years, I love you for a thousand more...”

(This song was the song we sang together noong February 9,2013. Chorus part only, at di niya kinakanta ang “I love you” part. Ang sakit lang. 0% probability na talaga ang chance na mahalin niya ako the way I love him. Alam ko namang di ako ang priority niya eh. Naalala ko nung tumawag siya dati tapos tinanong ko kung bakit siya napatawag, 'di daw kasi sumasagot si *insert name here*. See, reserba lang ako! Tapos nung nag-cha-chat kami about interview, bigla siyang di na nag-reply. 'yun pala online na si *insert name here*. Nag-reply siya mga pasado ala-una ng umaga. Buwisit lang talaga, ganito pala ang feeling kapag hindi ikaw ang priority ng taong minsan mong pinahalagahan at prinioritize.T.T)

Sabi ni *insert name here*, baka bitter lang ako kaya gan'to ang nararamdaman ko towards him. Andami lang kasing tumatakbo sa isip ko, and it all boils down to blaming myself. Mali ba na piniling kong 'di ko sabihin sa kanyang mahal ko siya at antaying siya ang magsabi sa 'kin na mahal niya ako? But, ano pa nga ba ang dapat antayin ko? Ano pa nga ba ang dapat asahan ko sa kanya? During the *insert name of event here*, tinanong ni *insert name here* kun anong status ng relationship nila ni *insert name here*, siya ang tinanong kasi sa lalaki daw dapat manggaling ang sagot. “Best friend”, that was his answer. Suddenly, my mind flashes back to the time when the father in Caleruega said, “Marry your best friend”. Talo na ako. Wala na akong pag-asa. Kahit lumaban ako wala na rin. At eto ang isa sa mga masakit na sampal sa 'kin ng katotohanan ngayon. He already chose the person that he would marry someday, his bestfriend, who is also my bestfriend, the person I threat as my “Jonathan”-friend. Ayaw kong siya ang maging dahilan to ruin my relationship with my bestfriend. I'll do anything and everything just to protect my relationship with her, yes I value relationships, but I value friendships more than romantic relationship/love. Kaya nga never kong sinabi nor in-attempt na sabihin sa kanya ang feelings ko eh. Kaya rin nga nung tinanong ako ni *insert name here*, “What if manligaw sa 'yo si *insert name here*?”, sinabi ko sa kanya na hinding-hindi ko siya papatulan, itaga niya pa sa bato, kasi gusto kong tumatak sa isip niya na sila man ang magkatuluyan ni *insert name here*, hindi-hindi ako hahadlang sa kanilang dalawa anuman ang manyari. At isa pang masakit na sampal, kahit anong gawin kong pag-move on mahal ko pa rin pala siya. Na-realize ko 'yan mula nang sabihin niyang yuck ang mga squatter. Pinandirihan niya ang mga squatter, which is a part of me. Dati kaming nakatira sa squatters' area, and that makes me a squatter too. And kahit nakalipat na kami ng tirahan, I feel that I'm still a squatter. “Once a squatter, always a squatter,” they say. I should have known, hindi pala siya 'yung taong inaakala ko. Akala ko tanggap niya ang mga mahihirap. Ang mga squatter na tulad ko. Pero dahil sa mga narinig ko, nasaktan ako ng sobra. Another rejection in silence. Masakit na isang taong katulad niya ang minahal ko, dahil sa kanya, sa heartbreak and sa depression bumagsak ako sa Equipment Design, dahil sa kanya hindi ako sumama(take note, it's intentional) sa field trip namin for Chemical Engineering Practice na nag-cause pa ng isang delay(may nalaman kasi akong gagawin niya sa field trip one week before the said school activity), dahil sa kanya nawala sa 'kin ang malaking opportunity na maging Process Engineer sa Petron, dahil sa kanya ang daming oras na nasayang career wise sa pag-aantay kong maging maayos ang grades ko sa Equipment Design. A myriad slaps on my face again. I want to look at the silver lining pero mas nangingibabaw ang sobrang sakit ngayon. Napapa-give up ako. Gusto ko nang isuko ang lahat kay Lord. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ang puso ko kaiibig at kaiiyak sa kanya sa katahimikan. Minsan gusto ko nang sigawan siya, magalit sa kaniya at sampalin siya. Pero anong karapatan ko? He might just mock me and blame me for my own misery. All the blame is on me. Kasalanan ko, umibig ako sa taong inakala kong tanggap ako, kahit squatter lang ako, kahit isang isip-bata lang ako. Kasalanan ko, na nahulog ang loob ko sa lalaking dating minahal ng best friend ko. All the blame is on me. Naalala ko, noong inoperahan ako dahil sa acute appendicitis, hiniling ko sa Kaniya na gawin niya akong guardian angel ng mga taong mahalaga sa 'kin. Sana noon pa lang, tinupad niya na ang wish ko. Yes, I have learned new lessons, to value dignity and integrity, to give myself worth, and I become closer to Him. Pero is there something more to this? Patience is a virtue they say, but how long should I wait? Hay, sabi nga ni Scott M. Peck sa “The Road Less Traveled”, I must endure the pain. All for Him. Lord, help me please, give me some strength to face this new battle I'm on. I don't want to be broken again. I don't want to be drifted away from you again. I don't want my relationship with *insert name here* be broken just because of a lowly person like him. Lord, I need You so badly. I need Your strength. Nagmamakaawa po ako, tulungan niyo po ako Lord, heal me with your Love. :(((((((((((

Que Sera Sera

Just a while a go I received an e-mail direct from the Staffing Specialist of a major manufacturer in the semiconductor industry(it's one of the companies in Fortune 500). The location of the plant is on the province(Pampanga to be exact) and they're inviting me to apply for their Manufacturing Leadership Development Program on February 13,2013, 9:00 AM. The requirements they're asking me to bring on the said date are 1 2x2 picture, an updated resume, photocopy of my transcript of records, one valid ID and a pen. After reading the e-mail, I was awe at my swivel chair! This one of Fortune top 500 companies, a big opportunity to be part of it! But, as I re-read the details of the letter, highlighting the date and the one requirement they ask to bring with me, it made me hesitate. I committed myself to assist on our college job fair, and that day, which is also the examination day for the MLDP, is the longest day between the two days that was allotted for the job fair. Not only that, since I just completed all my grades and subjects for me to be able to graduate just last January, I still don't have my transcript of records with me. Should I really be having difficulty in choosing between commitment and opportunity?

Hayayay, QUE SERA SERA...

Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

Thursdays With Mamita

Nope. This blog entry isn't a parody of Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie", but somehow it is comparable to his real-life for this is story I am going to tell you is also real-life too. Mamita, a pun of her contracted name "Marita", and also a name called for a mommy -- that's how we, her thesis advisees bach 2011 - 2012, address her aside from Ma'am Dimaano. Today is the third week of my -- hmmm, how can I say this -- voluntary work as an Assistant to the Coordinator of UST Faculty of Engineering - Industry-Academe Linkage Program (the words in bold letters is just second to her positions in the Academe). I decided to help her as one of my ways in giving back to all the good things she has done for me. She taught me one of the greatest things that I have been carrying since our thesis days -- Independence and Integrity. I was also inspired by her high energy and "kaliksihan" in doing her duties despite of her petite body and high heels. I also wanted to be connected with the academe where I came from even if I am already an alumna - the what's new in the department, the researches that Mamita is handling now, and so forth. I can say, that she is one of the people that you will be awed the moment she touches your life.

Got to go, Mamita have a visitor, a professor from Kansas State University, in her Material Science Laboratory to attend to. Ciao~!