It's
almost a year when the incident has passed but I can still fell the agony and
guilt. I read on a horoscope reading site that for an Arian to manifest his(in
my case, “her”) straightforwardness, an Arian must avoid negative emotions such
as resentment, regret, and self-pity. I am still resentful due to my mistakes,
I can't stop myself from looking back to the past that could have been better
if just didn't let myself gave in to the tide of my feeling. I read on fact-stating fanpage in Facebook that overthinking
creates problems that weren't existing at the first place. I can see myself
overthinking frequently, and for me to resolve this overthinking, I need to
look back to contemplate and do some checking on what should I have done to
prevent things from happening. Still, can't find the answers, and end up having
a guilt feeling because of everything happened. As I recall tons of memories,
the burden becomes heavier and heavier. If I were to specify each regret it
would be too much of pain. I already said in my graduation photo caption I
posted in my Facebook account that:
“Bitterness
is the result when we hold on too much of the past. Past is past, but that
doesn't mean everything should be left behind the past. Part of this past are
mistakes that were uninvited at its occurrence due to some circumstances, but
in order to prevent the same mistakes from reoccurring, one must carry the life
lessons learned from those mistakes, become a better and resilient person for
every battle fought and won. That's the SILVER LINING OF MISTAKES – a bag of
new lessons for you to carry on. ”
If
I am defeating my own statement, that means I am a hypocrite. I hate
hypocrites, and since I am hypocrite then I hate myself too, which in turn a
form of self-pity. I must let go these negative emotions, but I still feel so
afraid and weak to do such things. I wanted to give up all of this to Him but I
am having doubts, and afraid that I may take advantage of Him. I still want to
maintain the equilibrium inside me, I want to be a Christian, but not a super
Christian who do hardcore ministry activities and all Christ-centered stuff,
have a mindset that I can be ethereal and better than others spiritually. On
the other side, I still want to put my feet on the ground, be part of the game
the society have been playing for centuries with their tactics and guiding
principles that have been passed on from one generation to another generation.
I want balance, I want harmony, I want inner peace. I am a human being created
by God saved by His Son Jesus Christ. On the other hand, I feel that as a
Chemical Engineering graduate I have an obligation on the advancement and
salvation of humanity from its deterioration, and as a daughter and breadwinner
in the future I have a great obligation to my family. And in my point of view,
this is also one of my ways to serve His people, well I don't know if He will
account it as a service to His people in honour of Him. I want to be a
Humanist, be guided by the principles derived from philosophies I have acquired
as I walk along the road, and at the same time I want to be a Christian, be
guided by the teaching of Jesus Christ as I walk with Him. There are times that
I feel like my principles as a Humanist contradicts my principles as a
Christian, and that instances makes me feel indecisive, unmoved. I can't put
down one in favour of the other, for I myself has the tendency to be an
extremist, and if I choose one from the other, I could be an extreme Humanist
or a Super-Christian and I can't bear myself living on the extreme.
In
science, randomness is equivocal to spontaneity, and equilibrium is to
stillness. I am pro-spontaneity, I'm not much into orderliness. Every
companies' main goal is to be profitable in order to sustain the needs of the
company through money. But in order for a company to be profitable, it has to
have an ordered structure for it to be balanced. I have learned in our
Engineering Management subject that every branch has a manager or authority to
follow. Individually, I'm a person who doesn't like being bossed around at
extremity, yes you can guide me but not command or control me. Having a strict
authority over me makes me feel non-spontaneous. But I must admit that I still
can't stand on my own feet, I'm just 20(turning 21 this March) and I still have
a lot of things that I should learn. But deep inside, I need to be in
equilibrium for me to keep myself at balance. Oh well, maybe I still can't
establish a strong foundation, I'm being so rattled and worried like this
because once I enter the world of engineering that awaits me, I don't want to
conform with the existing system of the company I may be part of in the future.
Oh damn, I'm overthinking again! I really hate this! I hope I could resolve
these chains of dilemma sooner.
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