“If I had not met you that day, then I wouldn't experienced that pain and sadness, and memories filled with tears, but if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, and memories filled with tears... But if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, preciousness, happiness, and the feeling of absolute happiness.”
-Mika Takahara, Koizora
Since that September of 2010, my life began to change. There's something battling inside my heart and my head. For the past two years, my life was like riding a roller coaster, full of excitement and loops, twists and turns I didn't imagined to happen. Joy, excitement, pain, pleasure, agony, and absolute happiness, I felt these in just a span of two years. Looking back to who I was before that September, those feelings I felt cannot be contained in just a year. What caused me to feel these? Love. My first love, which was an unrequited love.
I myself didn't believe with this, I'm in love? I keep on denying this to myself. How could this happen? I never come to the point of falling in love with any of my crushes, but this one is different for I was crazy in love. He is different among others. This man I call “Hatsukoi-san” really caught my heart. This man who unknowingly gave me my daily dose of drugs. He may not know it, but I really loved him. He's my very first thought every morning I wake up. I gave him more than what he could give me. But I also know that I'm not the one he love, nor the type of girl who he will fall in love with. But, like drugs, the feeling was so addictive. I kept taking in that drugs even if my mind said to stop. The more I resisted, the more it grew. I even used this drugs for my own advantage. It gave me the strength and courage to face anything I need to overcome. My heart was over my head, every thing I did was because of that drugs, and that drugs brought me to the peak of my pleasure and enchantment. But that drugs, also gave me my greatest fall. Having a broken heart.
My heart was tormented since that 29th of July last year. That day, after I discovered something that lose all of my hopes, I decided to go to our school church after class. I've been holding that painful feeling the whole day, wanting to cry every time I had an opportunity, but I resisted just so other people wouldn't saw me cry. I waited another hour to make sure that there would be no other people inside the church by the time I would cry. As I enter the church, I saw three of my close mates in the church entrance, I felt like my tears would fall, but I hold it back and took a forceful smile just to show them that I was okay. That gesture wasn't convincing. As I exited the church, one of them was seating and waiting at the doorway. I tried to smile for the last time to greet her. But the pain was so excruciating that my smile was so unbearable. Without words being said, I hug and wept in her shoulder. I was thankful for her sensitivity, because I really needed a shoulder to cry on. She may not knew what and who I was crying about, but she was willing to give comfort and be with me that night. I didn't had the courage to tell her the details and who caused me such weeping.
“Alam mo bang birthday pa ng kapatid ko ngayon?” (I should be celebrating my brother's birthday but there I was, weeping and agonizing with pain)
“I feel so rejected”
“Parang na-reject niya na ako!”
“Sorry, hindi ko masabi sa'yo kung sino siya.”
“Salamat talaga, *insert name*”
Those were the words I remembered I have said that night to her. It seemed like Nature also sympathized with what I felt that night, for She too cried continuously until I got home.
“Where do broke hearts go? Can they find there way home?”
- Whitney Houston, Where Do Broken Hearts Go
After the joy, excitement and preciousness came, the tears and pain followed. I felt so astray. Bitterness enveloped my heart. My heart became blind and deaf. Neglected every advice I've heard. I've become indifferent. I just thought of myself, I started to care for nobody. I've forgotten my sweet, simple definition of love. My vices became stronger. But, at the same time, I battled against it. I tried to hide everything that was happening inside me, through simple smiles and “Okay lang” answers, changing my hairstyle and the way I dress up. The considerate part of my heart said I must be happy for him and I must not blame him for what happened, but the aching part of my heart seeks for revenge. The considerate part said that Hatsukoi-san don't have any clue about my feeling and he is not worthy for such revenge, but the aching part said that he must pay for the damaged he caused me. I easily gave up. In this seemingly unending battle, my aching heart won. This is saddening. It dominated my whole system. I knew that revenge won't do anything good. It caused me to feel more pain. More tears rolled down my cheeks, more lost concentration, more brain cell killing-idle moments, more deprived sleeps and as this pain grew bigger and bigger, the more I became depressed. My emotions overpowered me. I was devoured by the pain. Lots of problem also came along the heartache – family, financial, academic. Sunday before the 14th of February, I reached the limit of my heart. The hole inside my heart turned into a black-hole, eaten all the feelings I have and felt empty. For one night, I felt so desolated. Empty. I was like a rug doll haphazardly thrown in bed, lifeless and worn out. As far as I remember, that night was the first deep sleep I had after that 29th of July. Short but deep. It was the end of that nearly suicidal nightmare.
“A woman's heart is a devotion of secrets.”
- Old Rose Dewitt-Buckateer, Titanic
After that eight months of agony, I made a simple vow to myself. And these precious memories filled with laugh, joy and pain – I will cherish in my heart for eternity. If my twin flame will come along the path and asks who was my first love, these I would be willing to share to him, for these experiences are now part of my foundation on becoming stronger and this surely will lead me to my twin flame.
“God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though he is not far from each one of us.”
- Ephesians 17:27, The Holy Bible
I have found Him once, but I was lost. I didn't hold on Him tightly, gave in to the tides of my feelings and for the second time I was again far away from Him. My relationship with him was on and off. Now, I'm seeking for Him for the second time, and this time I'm hoping for a long-term relationship with Him, He who offered His sacrificial love to me, He who I've neglected for many times, He who alwayspick me up when I fall down, He who don't get tired of loving me. And I must give something to him in return – by seeking and fulfilling my purpose.
“The cure for the heart is to move along.”
-The Script, The End Where I Begin
I am now in the process of healing, and for me to be completely healed, I must free myself from those painful memories and moved on, and I am moving on with Him. I must let go all the feelings I felt for Hatsukoi-san. I must let go all the pain I felt from those experiences. Those couple of forceful smiles I gave to many people during that fall is now true, a real smile from the heart. This experience showed me that this is not yet the time for me to really fall in love. I am not yet prepared for such thing for I am not yet whole, and only Jesus can fill that missing part of me. I'll let God's will to make me move on. With that, I'm letting everything be done in accordance to His will.
