Coz I'm giving up on him...BUT not on LOVE,:)

“I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have love you

for a thousand years, I love you for a thousand more...”

(This song was the song we sang together noong February 9,2013. Chorus part only, at di niya kinakanta ang “I love you” part. Ang sakit lang. 0% probability na talaga ang chance na mahalin niya ako the way I love him. Alam ko namang di ako ang priority niya eh. Naalala ko nung tumawag siya dati tapos tinanong ko kung bakit siya napatawag, 'di daw kasi sumasagot si *insert name here*. See, reserba lang ako! Tapos nung nag-cha-chat kami about interview, bigla siyang di na nag-reply. 'yun pala online na si *insert name here*. Nag-reply siya mga pasado ala-una ng umaga. Buwisit lang talaga, ganito pala ang feeling kapag hindi ikaw ang priority ng taong minsan mong pinahalagahan at prinioritize.T.T)

Sabi ni *insert name here*, baka bitter lang ako kaya gan'to ang nararamdaman ko towards him. Andami lang kasing tumatakbo sa isip ko, and it all boils down to blaming myself. Mali ba na piniling kong 'di ko sabihin sa kanyang mahal ko siya at antaying siya ang magsabi sa 'kin na mahal niya ako? But, ano pa nga ba ang dapat antayin ko? Ano pa nga ba ang dapat asahan ko sa kanya? During the *insert name of event here*, tinanong ni *insert name here* kun anong status ng relationship nila ni *insert name here*, siya ang tinanong kasi sa lalaki daw dapat manggaling ang sagot. “Best friend”, that was his answer. Suddenly, my mind flashes back to the time when the father in Caleruega said, “Marry your best friend”. Talo na ako. Wala na akong pag-asa. Kahit lumaban ako wala na rin. At eto ang isa sa mga masakit na sampal sa 'kin ng katotohanan ngayon. He already chose the person that he would marry someday, his bestfriend, who is also my bestfriend, the person I threat as my “Jonathan”-friend. Ayaw kong siya ang maging dahilan to ruin my relationship with my bestfriend. I'll do anything and everything just to protect my relationship with her, yes I value relationships, but I value friendships more than romantic relationship/love. Kaya nga never kong sinabi nor in-attempt na sabihin sa kanya ang feelings ko eh. Kaya rin nga nung tinanong ako ni *insert name here*, “What if manligaw sa 'yo si *insert name here*?”, sinabi ko sa kanya na hinding-hindi ko siya papatulan, itaga niya pa sa bato, kasi gusto kong tumatak sa isip niya na sila man ang magkatuluyan ni *insert name here*, hindi-hindi ako hahadlang sa kanilang dalawa anuman ang manyari. At isa pang masakit na sampal, kahit anong gawin kong pag-move on mahal ko pa rin pala siya. Na-realize ko 'yan mula nang sabihin niyang yuck ang mga squatter. Pinandirihan niya ang mga squatter, which is a part of me. Dati kaming nakatira sa squatters' area, and that makes me a squatter too. And kahit nakalipat na kami ng tirahan, I feel that I'm still a squatter. “Once a squatter, always a squatter,” they say. I should have known, hindi pala siya 'yung taong inaakala ko. Akala ko tanggap niya ang mga mahihirap. Ang mga squatter na tulad ko. Pero dahil sa mga narinig ko, nasaktan ako ng sobra. Another rejection in silence. Masakit na isang taong katulad niya ang minahal ko, dahil sa kanya, sa heartbreak and sa depression bumagsak ako sa Equipment Design, dahil sa kanya hindi ako sumama(take note, it's intentional) sa field trip namin for Chemical Engineering Practice na nag-cause pa ng isang delay(may nalaman kasi akong gagawin niya sa field trip one week before the said school activity), dahil sa kanya nawala sa 'kin ang malaking opportunity na maging Process Engineer sa Petron, dahil sa kanya ang daming oras na nasayang career wise sa pag-aantay kong maging maayos ang grades ko sa Equipment Design. A myriad slaps on my face again. I want to look at the silver lining pero mas nangingibabaw ang sobrang sakit ngayon. Napapa-give up ako. Gusto ko nang isuko ang lahat kay Lord. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ang puso ko kaiibig at kaiiyak sa kanya sa katahimikan. Minsan gusto ko nang sigawan siya, magalit sa kaniya at sampalin siya. Pero anong karapatan ko? He might just mock me and blame me for my own misery. All the blame is on me. Kasalanan ko, umibig ako sa taong inakala kong tanggap ako, kahit squatter lang ako, kahit isang isip-bata lang ako. Kasalanan ko, na nahulog ang loob ko sa lalaking dating minahal ng best friend ko. All the blame is on me. Naalala ko, noong inoperahan ako dahil sa acute appendicitis, hiniling ko sa Kaniya na gawin niya akong guardian angel ng mga taong mahalaga sa 'kin. Sana noon pa lang, tinupad niya na ang wish ko. Yes, I have learned new lessons, to value dignity and integrity, to give myself worth, and I become closer to Him. Pero is there something more to this? Patience is a virtue they say, but how long should I wait? Hay, sabi nga ni Scott M. Peck sa “The Road Less Traveled”, I must endure the pain. All for Him. Lord, help me please, give me some strength to face this new battle I'm on. I don't want to be broken again. I don't want to be drifted away from you again. I don't want my relationship with *insert name here* be broken just because of a lowly person like him. Lord, I need You so badly. I need Your strength. Nagmamakaawa po ako, tulungan niyo po ako Lord, heal me with your Love. :(((((((((((

Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

The End Where I Begin

“If I had not met you that day, then I wouldn't experienced that pain and sadness, and memories filled with tears, but if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, and memories filled with tears... But if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, preciousness, happiness, and the feeling of absolute happiness.”

-Mika Takahara, Koizora

Since that September of 2010, my life began to change. There's something battling inside my heart and my head. For the past two years, my life was like riding a roller coaster, full of excitement and loops, twists and turns I didn't imagined to happen. Joy, excitement, pain, pleasure, agony, and absolute happiness, I felt these in just a span of two years. Looking back to who I was before that September, those feelings I felt cannot be contained in just a year. What caused me to feel these? Love. My first love, which was an unrequited love.

I myself didn't believe with this, I'm in love? I keep on denying this to myself. How could this happen? I never come to the point of falling in love with any of my crushes, but this one is different for I was crazy in love. He is different among others. This man I call “Hatsukoi-san” really caught my heart. This man who unknowingly gave me my daily dose of drugs. He may not know it, but I really loved him. He's my very first thought every morning I wake up. I gave him more than what he could give me. But I also know that I'm not the one he love, nor the type of girl who he will fall in love with. But, like drugs, the feeling was so addictive. I kept taking in that drugs even if my mind said to stop. The more I resisted, the more it grew. I even used this drugs for my own advantage. It gave me the strength and courage to face anything I need to overcome. My heart was over my head, every thing I did was because of that drugs, and that drugs brought me to the peak of my pleasure and enchantment. But that drugs, also gave me my greatest fall. Having a broken heart.

My heart was tormented since that 29th of July last year. That day, after I discovered something that lose all of my hopes, I decided to go to our school church after class. I've been holding that painful feeling the whole day, wanting to cry every time I had an opportunity, but I resisted just so other people wouldn't saw me cry. I waited another hour to make sure that there would be no other people inside the church by the time I would cry. As I enter the church, I saw three of my close mates in the church entrance, I felt like my tears would fall, but I hold it back and took a forceful smile just to show them that I was okay. That gesture wasn't convincing. As I exited the church, one of them was seating and waiting at the doorway. I tried to smile for the last time to greet her. But the pain was so excruciating that my smile was so unbearable. Without words being said, I hug and wept in her shoulder. I was thankful for her sensitivity, because I really needed a shoulder to cry on. She may not knew what and who I was crying about, but she was willing to give comfort and be with me that night. I didn't had the courage to tell her the details and who caused me such weeping.

“Alam mo bang birthday pa ng kapatid ko ngayon?” (I should be celebrating my brother's birthday but there I was, weeping and agonizing with pain)

“I feel so rejected”

“Parang na-reject niya na ako!”

“Sorry, hindi ko masabi sa'yo kung sino siya.”

“Salamat talaga, *insert name*”

Those were the words I remembered I have said that night to her. It seemed like Nature also sympathized with what I felt that night, for She too cried continuously until I got home.

“Where do broke hearts go? Can they find there way home?”

- Whitney Houston, Where Do Broken Hearts Go

After the joy, excitement and preciousness came, the tears and pain followed. I felt so astray. Bitterness enveloped my heart. My heart became blind and deaf. Neglected every advice I've heard. I've become indifferent. I just thought of myself, I started to care for nobody. I've forgotten my sweet, simple definition of love. My vices became stronger. But, at the same time, I battled against it. I tried to hide everything that was happening inside me, through simple smiles and “Okay lang” answers, changing my hairstyle and the way I dress up. The considerate part of my heart said I must be happy for him and I must not blame him for what happened, but the aching part of my heart seeks for revenge. The considerate part said that Hatsukoi-san don't have any clue about my feeling and he is not worthy for such revenge, but the aching part said that he must pay for the damaged he caused me. I easily gave up. In this seemingly unending battle, my aching heart won. This is saddening. It dominated my whole system. I knew that revenge won't do anything good. It caused me to feel more pain. More tears rolled down my cheeks, more lost concentration, more brain cell killing-idle moments, more deprived sleeps and as this pain grew bigger and bigger, the more I became depressed. My emotions overpowered me. I was devoured by the pain. Lots of problem also came along the heartache – family, financial, academic. Sunday before the 14th of February, I reached the limit of my heart. The hole inside my heart turned into a black-hole, eaten all the feelings I have and felt empty. For one night, I felt so desolated. Empty. I was like a rug doll haphazardly thrown in bed, lifeless and worn out. As far as I remember, that night was the first deep sleep I had after that 29th of July. Short but deep. It was the end of that nearly suicidal nightmare.

“A woman's heart is a devotion of secrets.”

- Old Rose Dewitt-Buckateer, Titanic

After that eight months of agony, I made a simple vow to myself. And these precious memories filled with laugh, joy and pain – I will cherish in my heart for eternity. If my twin flame will come along the path and asks who was my first love, these I would be willing to share to him, for these experiences are now part of my foundation on becoming stronger and this surely will lead me to my twin flame.

“God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though he is not far from each one of us.”

- Ephesians 17:27, The Holy Bible

I have found Him once, but I was lost. I didn't hold on Him tightly, gave in to the tides of my feelings and for the second time I was again far away from Him. My relationship with him was on and off. Now, I'm seeking for Him for the second time, and this time I'm hoping for a long-term relationship with Him, He who offered His sacrificial love to me, He who I've neglected for many times, He who alwayspick me up when I fall down, He who don't get tired of loving me. And I must give something to him in return – by seeking and fulfilling my purpose.

“The cure for the heart is to move along.”

-The Script, The End Where I Begin

I am now in the process of healing, and for me to be completely healed, I must free myself from those painful memories and moved on, and I am moving on with Him. I must let go all the feelings I felt for Hatsukoi-san. I must let go all the pain I felt from those experiences. Those couple of forceful smiles I gave to many people during that fall is now true, a real smile from the heart. This experience showed me that this is not yet the time for me to really fall in love. I am not yet prepared for such thing for I am not yet whole, and only Jesus can fill that missing part of me. I'll let God's will to make me move on. With that, I'm letting everything be done in accordance to His will.

15th of July

Rummaging my old stuff, I found a box covered with dust

Letting out a puff, I saw the edge stashed with rust

Pulling out the filthy lid, it suddenly made me excited

Seeing the contents like a kid, old memories were invited

Checking the mementos one by one, I found a cloth with a slit

Aging and turning to color dun, there's a candy wrapper with a note on it

Reading the written words in faded blue, tears run down and turned to a cry

Scars of the past that became brand new, I remembered how a promise turned to a lie.

Reminiscing that 15th of July, it's the day when the moon was full

Not wanting to let it pass by, 'cause that day was filled with precious jewels

Eating candies, playing hide and seek, taking pictures---

Those are the things we did on that day, like young kids that live on a hay.

Hunted by the pain you brought to me, my dreams turned again into nightmares

Bringing out the strength within me, I cast a “spell” that can't be broken and dared

Uttering the words with all my might, this will make me forget you

A promise for myself that's worth a bite, “Again and in perpetuum, I won't fall for you”.