Modus Viviendi - Divergence and Resemblance

            When a job applicant fills out an application form or someone answers the question, “What is your religion?”, for us Christians, one might answer, “Roman Catholic”, “Iglesia ni Cristo”, “Jehovah's Witness”, or “Born-Again”. I have also seen those terms as being filled to as religion in most of the Facebook users. And I myself also have been responding that question with an answer homologous to those. But, are we really giving out a straight-to-the point answer? Is our answer really correct? Based on the facts that I have read, sorry to disappoint you, but our answers are wrong.

            First, let's define the word religion. Based on Merriam-Websters 11^th Collegiate Dictionary, religion is the “service and worship of God or the supernatural”, “a commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance”, “a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, & practices, scrupulous conformity”, and “a cause, or system of beliefs held with ardor and faith”.  With those definitions reinstated, we can arrive to a conclusion that in order for a belief be considered as a religion, one must have a deity being worshipped and system of attitudes, beliefs and practices being followed. During our Asian History class in second year high school, I learned that there are lots of religions being practised by people here in Asia alone. Those religions are: Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, Shintoism, Sikhism, Taoism, and Zoroastrianism.  After reading this long list of religions I have given you, at the back of your mind you might be asking, “Where's Roman Catholic/Iglesia ni Cristo/Jehovah's Witness/Born-Again there?” “Are you questioning my belief?”, or “Are you condemning my belief?”  No and no, I'm not questioning nor condemning one's belief, what I want to be corrected is our perspective, especially we Christians, of the word religion.

            Then how should we call Roman Catholic, Iglesia ni Cristo, Jehovah's Witness, and Born-Again then? Those are what we call church or denomination. According to Collins English Dictionary, aside from being a building where we worshippers practice our belief in public, church is an “institutionalized forms of religions as a political or social force”, “the clergy as distinguished from the laity”, and “a particular Christian denomination or group of Christian believers”. Therefore, those terms I have aforementioned are groups of people known as churches. All of us are Christians, worship God as the supreme entity with the Holy Bible as the ultimate source of dogma we follow in our daily living. But, here's the thing, if all of those churches worship same deity and all of them use same book as their reference, how do they differ from each other? Answer: Modus Viviendi or Way of Life.

            Roman Catholic, Iglesia ni Cristo, Jehovah's Witness and Born-Again celebrate their Sundays with God. One may call it “simba”, “samba” or “Sunday service”. They don't just differ in their terminologies, they also differ in their way of celebrating their communion with God on the Sabbath day. All of their modus viviendi are founded by Bible, but why is there a distinction among them? Upon observance of the said churches, the variation rooted to the priorship and consolidated understanding of the Scriptures in the Bible by each churches. If you would go back to history, this started from the Great Schism that divided Christianity into 3 major denomination or churches, namely: Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox and Protestantism.

            One God, one Bible, one religion yet divided due to the diversion and existence of different churches that seemingly cannot be united. For a Christian who had a spiritual rebirth and just starting to have her walk with Jesus Christ, this proposition brings sadness to my soul. I have once read a status of a Facebook friend saying that she would rather stay as a non-believer than belong to a religion that is divided. Every soul counts and ought to be saved, but how can you bring Christ to her life and to people like her, with that kind of perception, for them to be enlightened and brought to salvation? For now this is beyond my human capability, and only God knows what must be done to enlighten the non-believers, for them to accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour wholeheartedly as the End Times approaches. Maybe someday I might have the gift of preaching and encouraging people to surrender themselves to God, and I will continuously pray for that time to come. As for now, I still have a lot of things to learn, things like how to introduce God to non-believers despite of the variation of the churches that follow His Will, and this is one of the hard nuts needed to be cracked by a Christian.

The End Where I Begin

“If I had not met you that day, then I wouldn't experienced that pain and sadness, and memories filled with tears, but if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, and memories filled with tears... But if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, preciousness, happiness, and the feeling of absolute happiness.”

-Mika Takahara, Koizora

Since that September of 2010, my life began to change. There's something battling inside my heart and my head. For the past two years, my life was like riding a roller coaster, full of excitement and loops, twists and turns I didn't imagined to happen. Joy, excitement, pain, pleasure, agony, and absolute happiness, I felt these in just a span of two years. Looking back to who I was before that September, those feelings I felt cannot be contained in just a year. What caused me to feel these? Love. My first love, which was an unrequited love.

I myself didn't believe with this, I'm in love? I keep on denying this to myself. How could this happen? I never come to the point of falling in love with any of my crushes, but this one is different for I was crazy in love. He is different among others. This man I call “Hatsukoi-san” really caught my heart. This man who unknowingly gave me my daily dose of drugs. He may not know it, but I really loved him. He's my very first thought every morning I wake up. I gave him more than what he could give me. But I also know that I'm not the one he love, nor the type of girl who he will fall in love with. But, like drugs, the feeling was so addictive. I kept taking in that drugs even if my mind said to stop. The more I resisted, the more it grew. I even used this drugs for my own advantage. It gave me the strength and courage to face anything I need to overcome. My heart was over my head, every thing I did was because of that drugs, and that drugs brought me to the peak of my pleasure and enchantment. But that drugs, also gave me my greatest fall. Having a broken heart.

My heart was tormented since that 29th of July last year. That day, after I discovered something that lose all of my hopes, I decided to go to our school church after class. I've been holding that painful feeling the whole day, wanting to cry every time I had an opportunity, but I resisted just so other people wouldn't saw me cry. I waited another hour to make sure that there would be no other people inside the church by the time I would cry. As I enter the church, I saw three of my close mates in the church entrance, I felt like my tears would fall, but I hold it back and took a forceful smile just to show them that I was okay. That gesture wasn't convincing. As I exited the church, one of them was seating and waiting at the doorway. I tried to smile for the last time to greet her. But the pain was so excruciating that my smile was so unbearable. Without words being said, I hug and wept in her shoulder. I was thankful for her sensitivity, because I really needed a shoulder to cry on. She may not knew what and who I was crying about, but she was willing to give comfort and be with me that night. I didn't had the courage to tell her the details and who caused me such weeping.

“Alam mo bang birthday pa ng kapatid ko ngayon?” (I should be celebrating my brother's birthday but there I was, weeping and agonizing with pain)

“I feel so rejected”

“Parang na-reject niya na ako!”

“Sorry, hindi ko masabi sa'yo kung sino siya.”

“Salamat talaga, *insert name*”

Those were the words I remembered I have said that night to her. It seemed like Nature also sympathized with what I felt that night, for She too cried continuously until I got home.

“Where do broke hearts go? Can they find there way home?”

- Whitney Houston, Where Do Broken Hearts Go

After the joy, excitement and preciousness came, the tears and pain followed. I felt so astray. Bitterness enveloped my heart. My heart became blind and deaf. Neglected every advice I've heard. I've become indifferent. I just thought of myself, I started to care for nobody. I've forgotten my sweet, simple definition of love. My vices became stronger. But, at the same time, I battled against it. I tried to hide everything that was happening inside me, through simple smiles and “Okay lang” answers, changing my hairstyle and the way I dress up. The considerate part of my heart said I must be happy for him and I must not blame him for what happened, but the aching part of my heart seeks for revenge. The considerate part said that Hatsukoi-san don't have any clue about my feeling and he is not worthy for such revenge, but the aching part said that he must pay for the damaged he caused me. I easily gave up. In this seemingly unending battle, my aching heart won. This is saddening. It dominated my whole system. I knew that revenge won't do anything good. It caused me to feel more pain. More tears rolled down my cheeks, more lost concentration, more brain cell killing-idle moments, more deprived sleeps and as this pain grew bigger and bigger, the more I became depressed. My emotions overpowered me. I was devoured by the pain. Lots of problem also came along the heartache – family, financial, academic. Sunday before the 14th of February, I reached the limit of my heart. The hole inside my heart turned into a black-hole, eaten all the feelings I have and felt empty. For one night, I felt so desolated. Empty. I was like a rug doll haphazardly thrown in bed, lifeless and worn out. As far as I remember, that night was the first deep sleep I had after that 29th of July. Short but deep. It was the end of that nearly suicidal nightmare.

“A woman's heart is a devotion of secrets.”

- Old Rose Dewitt-Buckateer, Titanic

After that eight months of agony, I made a simple vow to myself. And these precious memories filled with laugh, joy and pain – I will cherish in my heart for eternity. If my twin flame will come along the path and asks who was my first love, these I would be willing to share to him, for these experiences are now part of my foundation on becoming stronger and this surely will lead me to my twin flame.

“God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though he is not far from each one of us.”

- Ephesians 17:27, The Holy Bible

I have found Him once, but I was lost. I didn't hold on Him tightly, gave in to the tides of my feelings and for the second time I was again far away from Him. My relationship with him was on and off. Now, I'm seeking for Him for the second time, and this time I'm hoping for a long-term relationship with Him, He who offered His sacrificial love to me, He who I've neglected for many times, He who alwayspick me up when I fall down, He who don't get tired of loving me. And I must give something to him in return – by seeking and fulfilling my purpose.

“The cure for the heart is to move along.”

-The Script, The End Where I Begin

I am now in the process of healing, and for me to be completely healed, I must free myself from those painful memories and moved on, and I am moving on with Him. I must let go all the feelings I felt for Hatsukoi-san. I must let go all the pain I felt from those experiences. Those couple of forceful smiles I gave to many people during that fall is now true, a real smile from the heart. This experience showed me that this is not yet the time for me to really fall in love. I am not yet prepared for such thing for I am not yet whole, and only Jesus can fill that missing part of me. I'll let God's will to make me move on. With that, I'm letting everything be done in accordance to His will.

15th of July

Rummaging my old stuff, I found a box covered with dust

Letting out a puff, I saw the edge stashed with rust

Pulling out the filthy lid, it suddenly made me excited

Seeing the contents like a kid, old memories were invited

Checking the mementos one by one, I found a cloth with a slit

Aging and turning to color dun, there's a candy wrapper with a note on it

Reading the written words in faded blue, tears run down and turned to a cry

Scars of the past that became brand new, I remembered how a promise turned to a lie.

Reminiscing that 15th of July, it's the day when the moon was full

Not wanting to let it pass by, 'cause that day was filled with precious jewels

Eating candies, playing hide and seek, taking pictures---

Those are the things we did on that day, like young kids that live on a hay.

Hunted by the pain you brought to me, my dreams turned again into nightmares

Bringing out the strength within me, I cast a “spell” that can't be broken and dared

Uttering the words with all my might, this will make me forget you

A promise for myself that's worth a bite, “Again and in perpetuum, I won't fall for you”.

We Are One, UST ChE C 2012!

Rushing through the crowd of people, clock ticks to and fro
Finding my way to the loophole, as I walk to the line and fall
“This day marks my destiny”, I say, as I choose a class to be with
Shivering and sweating, I don't know what the future holds beneath.

Peeking through the glass of  the door, I see those unfamiliar faces
Some are cool, some are noisy, while some are tamed
Walked to a wooden chair, I sit with my old classmates
Smiling shyly as I stare, makes wishful thinking for our fates.

Years have passed and time went by, memories with these people started to grow
I never thought to be happy and get by, with these people I couldn't ask for more
Sharing stories, having fun, helping each other, keeping things cool---
Those are the things I've loved about them, and I won't forget a single thing.

Like every stories that have told, the end has now to come
But ours is not a story that was mold, just the first part of a novel that will be told
Memories we make through sleepless nights, laughs, tears and sweat
These things will keep us moving on, and linger in our hearts, FOREVER.

A Walk To Remember

Making our first step to the paradise, I walk quietly behind you
Watching things with my own eyes, this is certainly a perfect view
Halting for a while, you called sweetly my name
Wanting to be enisled, you gently elate my heart and tame

alking slowly beside you, you remain so benign
Hearing deep breaths from you, I know that you are mine
Talking about trivial things, we are just contented
Treating me like a queen, that makes me more demented

Wandering our crystal eyes, we watch the birds above
Eating your baked apple-pie, we shared it like our love
Holding my hand so tight, you tenderly caress my face
Feeling like confusion bites, you pulled me for an embrace

Blowing high above us, the wind whispers our fate
Hoping we stay like this forever, no one should dare to abate
Wishing nothing can sever, I close my eyes and pray
Watching the sunset with our full trust, fears are all thrown away

December SMILE

Flipping my phone, I checked for a message
Not even a single tone, you didn't took a courage
Waiting at the corner, wind brushed through my skin
Starting to wonder, did somebody took my king?

Sniffing the air filled with cinnamon, I know it was you
Embraced by the dark sky of moon, I walked slowly to you
Echoing through the night, I heard chuckles of a stranger
 Appalled as she holds you tight, I whispered, “So it was her”

Running far away as I could, bumped to every people I knew
Taking the strength over my mood, gave them smile I can drew
They ask me “Are you alright?”, I replied bitterly with “I'm okay”
Holding my arms so tight, walked blindly as I stray.

How could this be, what was I've been missing?
Have I been so mean, please tell me gently
Watching fireworks like we did before, tears flow suddenly
Smiling painfully as the first snow fall, I felt my heart dies slowly.

Behind These Ebony Eyes

Terrified by your stature, I didn't paid much attention at first glance
Sitting like a thatcher, I saw your birthmark by chance
While having our conversation, I heard how deep your voice is
Aching for abjuration, I wished to be drown in an abyss

One orbital revolution has passed, I neither liked nor befriend you
Because among a certain class, my eyes are secretly laid on a monsieur
Wondering what type of person you are, I let you in to my life from that time
While you sat in front of a computer from afar, I chatted with you for the first time

Goofy, deep, sensitive, gentleman--- that's what you are
Always go for fun, I rode with your jokes and shared you about my lodestar
Staying by your side as time goes by, I started to like the feeling of being with you
Starting to wonder why, I also started to like everything about you

Giving myself a time to realize, I stayed away from you
Asking from a friend an advise, shocked by the truth about my feelings for you
Then one day when my eyes meet yours, I felt like I'm drowning in your sturdy eyes
Certainly not just allured, I'm secretly in love with you, this is what underlies

Among the guys that caught my attention, you're definitely unique and the best
“You're the most different girl I've ever known”, those words you said deep from your chest
When you said those astonishing words, I thought for you I was special
But when I learned who finally caught your heart, my heart was broken and in denial.