Finding The Right Guy

My "Jonathan"-friend forwarded this e-mail to me during my "Desperation" era. I'm posting it here in my blog 'cause this is worth reading for single women like me,n_n

"If Men Were Like Buses, How Do I Catch One?" by Michelle McKinney Hammond

If men were like buses, how do you catch one?  A more important question is - how do you catch the RIGHT one

Simple: You take only the bus that's headed the RIGHT direction.  First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking.  And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one

What about love?, you ask. I’ll tell you why. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9). The heart is wilful and is driven by its own agenda It does not consider things rationally and intelligently – it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right directions: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.  Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.  Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together.  Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar.  It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage.  But dating?  Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts.  So when you do gather facts, let us compare the process to clothes shopping.

Check out the fabric.  Is the person mate material?  Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ?  Does he care what God thinks about his behavior?  Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith?  Accountability is an important factor.  It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship.  Is your potential spouse a member of the same family -the family of God?  Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"  (2 Cor 6:14).  You need to have common interest and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day.  You have a similar spiritual walk.  You eat the same diet.  You enjoy a lot of similar things.  You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues.  You have had like experiences in your background.  Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together.  Furthermore, does he want to get married?  If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.  Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order.  So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously.  If he's not going your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.

Does this man want you?  Is he pursuing you?  The man who is right for you will pursue you and God's hand in the relationship will be clear.  No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends.  Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov 18:22).  Note - who finds whom?  THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE.  From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together.  At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you.  In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate.  Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib.  You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere.  You don't have to help a guy because he's shy.  Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand.  If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested.  Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him.  As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 Jn 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill.  You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself.  You need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you.  And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time.  So trust God's timing in this.  He is the ultimate matchmaker.  Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions.  He should take the lead in establishing the relationship.  You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship.  Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission.  Jesus set the standard for all men to follow.  They should love us first.  And they should lead the relationship.. DO NOT SEDUCE A MAN AND DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE HIM PURSUE YOU!!!! The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart.  A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear.  A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife.  He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer.  In short, a man should have the means to be suitable for you.

Check out his buddies.  Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends.  A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet.  They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior.  Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward.  Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

heck out his relationship with his mother.  How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you.  There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do.  Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.

Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut.  Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.

Check out the patterns of his life.  Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom?  Broken relationships?  Problems in making commitments?  Including the job market?  Mood swings?  Is a problem always someone else's fault?  Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it?  Does he keep his promises?  Is he a man of good reputation?  Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to wrinkle.  Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life.  Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff. TEST... TEST... CHECK HIM OUT... Does this man have a vision for his life?  Is he running with that vision?  Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment.  As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do.  Is your guy guided by a sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him?  A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want to go in life.  A man who has vision, is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear.  He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it!  A man who cannot be a supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.  Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man.  Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with.  You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ.  Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home.  His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you.  Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.

Complementarities.  Do your talents and gifts complement his?  Do his gifts complement yours?  What about your temperaments?  Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh?  Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way?  This is why knowing your purpose is so important.  Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes.  When I go shopping always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet.  Will my next purchase be a complementary addition to what I already have?  If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack.  It is too expensive a proposition.  If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong.  This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost.  Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically?  Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process?  Or does he see you as the gift that you are?  The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel - because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time!  Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that causes you to work for love is too expensive!  God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman but emotionally and spiritually as well.  You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams.  The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.

Does he have a healthy love & acceptance of himself?  Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself.  How he cares for himself is how he will care for you.  A man's relationship with God is crucial here.  His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God.  This is not something that you can impart.  You cannot be his savior or teacher.  That is out of spiritual order.  In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ.  If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive.  Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run.  If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive.  So you decide.  How much is your life worth?  How much is your love worth?  You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve.  God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life.  He now pledges you His love for eternity.  Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride.  Should you expect less from a mortal man?  Throughout the biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for the hand that they desired.  The truth of the matter is, everyone knows that anything worth having, costs.  And no one gets a ride in this life for free.

I will...~a letter for my TWIN FLAME~

My dearest Twin Flame,

Maybe we already met each other. Maybe I have known you for a long time. Met you when I was still at school. Met you after attending my piano lesson. Met you on a station where I waited for the Jeep or train o arrived. Met you when I was still a child. Met you when I was confined in the hospital. Or maybe one of the people I just passed by. Or people I met through friends. Or maybe I have known you but you haven't known me before or vice versa. Or maybe we haven't met each other at all. Whoever you are, I am looking forward for the perfect time, perfect moment and perfect place that God has planned for us to meet or meet again.

While I'm waiting for you to come, I promise to heal myself and keep on growing up through Christ, to be prepared by the time of our roads unite. I'll do my best to change myself, be suitable to your purpose, wants and needs. I'll do good in the career I've chosen, be one of the sturdiest as I bounce back from the rock bottom I am on now. I read a book entitled “How to Mend A Broken Heart” by Pastor Nelson T. Dy so that I'll be totally healed by the time we will be together. I secretly fell in love with a guy who didn't have any idea about my feelings, thinking he was you. It was a mistake. It was one-sided, an unrequited love. Still, I am thankful for the heart break, I learned a lot of things, and I believe that heart break will bring me to you. I also read the book “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck so by the time we will have our own family, I will be able to help you in nurturing our children with the love that is right and unconditional. I will help you in preparing our kids in facing the hard knocks of life that awaits for them every single day. I am currently reading the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” by John Gray for me to be able to accept and understand the differences between the nature of a man and woman, so that I will be able to understand you at instances when you become grumpy or problematic at our home from work. I also read the classic British novel “Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Brontë, book of Ruth and engraved Proverbs 31:10-31 in my heart, to guide me in improving myself and be that woman of noble character for you.

I love listening music from different genre – from Yiruma's classical music to Repablikan's rap – and country – from Japan's J-pop to America's country music. Do you like the music or at least most of the songs I have heard? Old songs make me feel happy and groovy, do you feel the same way too? I have a child living inside my heart. I have an undying fandom on cute and pretty characters and personality like Mirmo, Ayumi Hamasaki, Tweety Bird, Barbie, Hello Kitty, Kerokerokeropi, Badtz-Maru, and Cinnamoroll. Will you be able to accept and understand my childishness? I'm a fan of fashion and art, will you wear the suits and clothes for men that I will design? Will you wear the suits and clothes I'll buy for you when you go to work? Will you appreciate every art I will draw and paint? I love travelling, seeing the beauty of man-made and God's creation with my own eyes, do you love that too? I also love poetry, will you like to write poems with me on the future? I love reading Psychology and self-help books, do you like such books too? I am walking my path with Jesus Christ, are you walking with Him now too? I love doing food trips, eating foods like street and exotic foods, do you like to eat such foods too? I am inquisitive, love to do and discover new things, will you tolerate my unending curiosity? Though I am loud and tomboyish around my family and friends, I'm still a woman, I'm emotional, will you love me for what I am? I have a past that is obscure, can I entrust it to you, and accept my past that's part of me? I'm not pretty, will you love my personality including my flaws? I am also a bit sensitive and weirdo, will you protect my vulnerability and promise that you won't make fun of it? I trust people easily, will you trust me the way I do and promise to not say that I'm gullible?

I hope that when the right time comes that we will meet or meet again, gathered enough courage to confess your feelings towards me, we are both ready to face the world and forever with each other. I am looking forward to the hugs and kisses we will share with each other, to the anniversary and festivities we will celebrate together, to the Sundays we will spent with God together, to the letters and poems we will exchange with each other, to the trials we will conquer together, to the movies we will watch together, to the songs we will listen to and sing together, to the meals we will eat together with our mini-Mes, to the prayers we will utter together, to the times we will read Bible verses to each other, to the T.V. shows we will watch together, to the spiritual, petty and shaggy talks we will end peacefully to keep us on growing up together, to the tears that you will wipe out from my cheeks during our downfalls, to the twist and turns of the life we will ride together, to the jokes and laughs we will share together, to the future where we will spent our lifetime together.

No matter what happens I will be waiting for you, my TWIN FLAME. . .^_^

With love,
Your Twin Flame

Accept the past. Live the present. Prepare for the future.

            In the recent Miss Universe 2012, Ms. USA was asked with the question, “Do you regret something you have done in the past?” Her answer was dwindling, but in the end it turned out that she doesn't regret anything. Some other night, while having a discussion about my realizations on my situation, my “Jonathan”-friend asked me a synonymous question, “May pinagsisisihan ka ba?” I answered her firmly with a “No” answer, “Wala akong pinagsisisihan.”

          I can still remember one of my favourite quotes from my Philippine Literature teacher, “You don't regret what you did; You regret what you have not done.” This statement is quite valid for me. Most of the time people say, “Ay sana eto na lang ginawa ko.” Let's be more specific. After failing an exam, most of the students would have the tendency to say, “Ay sayang, konti na lang papasa na ako.” Those were the immediate reactions that people do to recent event or action. But, after a certain period of contemplation, scrutinizing the what if's and what should be done to prevent repetition of such occurrence, a lesson must be learned and treasured in yourself.

          If one regrets the things he have done in his past, he will be running in circle, and list of similar events would not be ended. So, how can you break the cycle and truly justify a “No” or “nothing” answer to the question, “Do you regret something you have done in the past?”? This is by admitting that you committed a mistake (That includes contrition and contemplation for a short period of time. How short is short, you may ask? That depends on your character, putting your determination in the spotlight.), learning a lesson from that mistake and having an optimistic disposition and appreciating what's in the present. Add to that, this process shouldn't be done repetitively with the same mistake. Accept the past. Live the present. Prepare for the future. Each of us is a sinner, no one lives a firm righteous life. At some point one have committed a mistake, but we can live towards the righteous path by harbouring the lessons we have drawn from these mistakes.

          To elaborate my answer to my friend's question, here's my detailed response:

          “No, I have no regret at all. I am not saying that I'm self-righteous nor Ms. Goody Two-shoes. You are aware how sinner I am. I've gone through contrition and contemplation. I've committed a lot of mistakes, maybe more than what you have known by now. But through this mistakes, I was able to learn lessons, real-life lessons that cannot be sufficiently learned from books and novels. Fiction and real-life stories read and told have inspired me, but it didn't give me the actual impression being in that kind of position, compared to the view I had while reading and listening, and the view of the character in the story I read and heard. Through hard knocks, similar to practical examinations in laboratory subjects given by professors, it allows us to determine how good are we in the application of our acquired theories. Without those hard knocks, I wouldn't know how strong or weak I have become up to that point. My real-life experiences test the stability of the character I have built, and that includes my trust in God, dignity, integrity and pursuit of certain tenets that I have acquired through tales told, obscure memories, institutions and other people. Committing mistakes means that one lacks of something, and that absence can be filled if one has a desire for transformation, a character transformation. I committed mistakes, and I am determined to be a totally transformed person. I am not proud nor ashamed of my mistakes, but I am humble to share the lessons and morals I got from this school of hard knocks called life if one would want to. Through these mistakes, I was also able to know people from different colours and shades, stretch my character and get out of my comfort zone. It made my maturity grew, pushes me to be considerate and desire to nurture and inspire people through nurturing myself. Also, with these mistakes, I am able to and continuously develop my character, become stronger and finally, I found in God the kind of love, care, strength and happiness I've been longing for. I highly appreciate who I have become right now, and I give all the credits to our Almighty God. Comparing myself before I made those mistakes, I'm really different from my old self, much better than before. My confidence now to the era called 'future' have increased, with my faith in the promise of God that He is preparing something good for me in the near future, and everything that happened in the past, happening here in the present and will occur in the future are part of His design. All I need to do now is to accept the past, live the present and prepare for the future.”

Trauma ~Let Go, Little Angelica...~

“... I'm always here to help you in anything.” I was teary-eyed after reading that short message replied to my Christmas greetings, for it gave warmth to my heart. On the other hand, I was awed how these few words can pull me back to the scar of the past I cannot forget. I'm not referring to a pain of broken romance, but the pain of rejection and abandonment. I can still recall that day, it's been 12 years but it seems like it just happened yesterday. The memory is so vivid, even the feelings attached to it.

It happened when I was still a Grade 3 student. Papa gave me a blue G-shock watch a.k.a baby-G as a gift for me when he paid us a visit in the province. Much to my delight, the day after papa gave that watch I wore and showed it to my classmates with full glory, “Tignan mo o, baby-G, bigay sa 'kin ng Papa ko 'yan!” then draw my 10-megawatt smile. It has a white-painted metal frame to protect the glass face of the watch, with buttons that changes the time and setting, and a button that makes the face glow. I showed it with full of excitement and joy to every classmate that I saw that day, if I'm not mistaken, I even showed it to our class bully. Due to much enjoyment and curiosity, I pushed the different buttons of the watch then suddenly it had a “glitch”. I didn't know what to do at that moment, and to my fright and despair, I ask a classmate to fix it for me. My worry then turn back to happiness.

Suddenly, their treatment became cold towards me that day afternoon. I wondered, what have I done wrong? They teased me, called me by names, and even called me “mayabang”. Have I been boastful? They became mad at me – my classmates, my crush, the class bully, and even the person I treated as my best friend. I wasn't able to handle their coldness and anger, so I sulk and weep. They were talking around me while I was weeping on my arm chair. I heard them saying, “Ang yabang niya,” “Inayos ko nga 'yung relo niya kanina 'di man lang nag-thank you." They misunderstood the happiness I have projected through my baby-G watch. Then I heard a voice, from a female classmate who just entered our room. She didn't know what happened, so she asked, “Anong nangyari?” I looked at her, and inside my head, I was begging for her to take my side. To stand for me. “*insert name*, kampihan mo ako please.." Her presence gave me hope that I won't be alone. I looked at her face, it was blurry because of the tears in my eyes, saying in my mind, “Maawa ka sa 'kin, *insert name*.” But much to my surprise, she didn't heed to my silent pleading and said, “Ayokong masali diyan." She decided to play safe. My weep then turned to a cry. I cried and cried, sitting on my chair, putting my arms on the table and laying my forehead on my arms, just crying expecting my pain would be gone.

When I got tired of crying, I looked up and look around me. The room was empty. It was just me, the classroom chairs, the blackboard, my classmates' school bags, and the teacher's table and chair. I bowed down and started to cry again. I was alone. No one cared for me. They abandoned me, even the person I considered as my best friend. No one comforted me. All of them abandoned me. I was just a child, what have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? They were not insecure at me, I can't think of any reason for them to be insecure at me. They were smarter than me, those who caused the feud. They were richer than me, all of them who were against me. They should have been considerate to me, I am two years younger than them They should have treated me like a little sister. The worst part is, the person who I treated my best friend, just proved that I'm not her best friend, for she abandoned me.

I heard a creak from the metal door of our classroom. I didn't cared who entered the room for I didn't need to be comforted any more. I didn't want any amount of sympathy from someone any more. She spoke, and heard her voice, it was familiar. She tried to raise my head from my position, but I resisted. She tried again, but failed. She then said words that convinced me, so I voluntarily raised my head and looked at her face. It was my favourite teacher, my piano lesson tutor, my class adviser – Sister M*** M********. She assisted me as I stood up from my chair, held my arms as she guided me to the school clinic.

As she rummage the medicine box of the clinic, she keep on asking questions like, “Masakit ba ulo mo?” “Ano nararamdaman mo Angelica?” I can see the worry in her face, but I was already sobering and silent. I didn't know how to answer her. She then said, “ Dito ka muna, Angelica,” then exited the clinic. I stayed to the very place inside the clinic where she left me. I was standing in front a tall mirror. I can't remember what I have felt on that moment. Maybe I already felt empty. I looked at the mirror behind me, and saw the reflection of a 7-year old girl with a mole on her nape, wearing a white uniform with disarrayed blue collar designed with 3 white stripes, her eyes were glistening and swollen, hair bun was so messy, red and thick lips shining because of spit, puffy cheeks moisten by tears. Nakakaawa siya.

That memory had a great impact to my character. As I grow up, I become resentful, distant to people, became sceptic towards the intention of people around me, distrustful to people, and it made me mean, a bad girl inside. In spite of the pain, I learned to stand for myself, become independent, not wanting nor asking help from any people in any kind. Trauma can either tend the victim to violence or silence. From then on, I chose to be silent, observant of the people around me. I preferred to stay beside than to go under the limelight. But, along the way, I struggled with my dark side. I read a certain quote from the pavement of our elementary school and kept it as a tenet until now: “Never give up; Giving up is the greatest mistake." I struggled to change my perspective. Sought God. Sought myself. I smiled to them who caused me such wary, started new beginnings by mingling with new classmates I met in high school and college, but there were stimuli that keeps on stumbling on the way that reminds me of that past I've been trying to forget. There were also those “One step forward, two step backward” moments. I have forgiven the people who have caused me that pain, but the incident really induced a big impact, a great trauma that buries one of my foot in the past. I will never be able to forget that trauma, and all I can do for now is to increase my tolerance on the pain it carries, and this I can do by keeping myself stronger by each battle I fight. Letting go doesn't mean that things should be forgotten forever, it means that there are things that can't be changed and one must accept and learn from it in order to move on. I must let it go to protect the people in my present, the people I care for, and also myself from any greater danger that this trauma might cause in the future.

“For every effect there is a root cause. Find and address the root rather than try to fix the effect, as there is no end to the latter." That traumatic experience is just the effect of a root cause. Through in-depth thinking and analysis and revelations of untold secrets from the past, I finally found the root cause of all this things: IMMATURITY.

Modus Viviendi - Divergence and Resemblance

            When a job applicant fills out an application form or someone answers the question, “What is your religion?”, for us Christians, one might answer, “Roman Catholic”, “Iglesia ni Cristo”, “Jehovah's Witness”, or “Born-Again”. I have also seen those terms as being filled to as religion in most of the Facebook users. And I myself also have been responding that question with an answer homologous to those. But, are we really giving out a straight-to-the point answer? Is our answer really correct? Based on the facts that I have read, sorry to disappoint you, but our answers are wrong.

            First, let's define the word religion. Based on Merriam-Websters 11^th Collegiate Dictionary, religion is the “service and worship of God or the supernatural”, “a commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance”, “a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, & practices, scrupulous conformity”, and “a cause, or system of beliefs held with ardor and faith”.  With those definitions reinstated, we can arrive to a conclusion that in order for a belief be considered as a religion, one must have a deity being worshipped and system of attitudes, beliefs and practices being followed. During our Asian History class in second year high school, I learned that there are lots of religions being practised by people here in Asia alone. Those religions are: Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, Shintoism, Sikhism, Taoism, and Zoroastrianism.  After reading this long list of religions I have given you, at the back of your mind you might be asking, “Where's Roman Catholic/Iglesia ni Cristo/Jehovah's Witness/Born-Again there?” “Are you questioning my belief?”, or “Are you condemning my belief?”  No and no, I'm not questioning nor condemning one's belief, what I want to be corrected is our perspective, especially we Christians, of the word religion.

            Then how should we call Roman Catholic, Iglesia ni Cristo, Jehovah's Witness, and Born-Again then? Those are what we call church or denomination. According to Collins English Dictionary, aside from being a building where we worshippers practice our belief in public, church is an “institutionalized forms of religions as a political or social force”, “the clergy as distinguished from the laity”, and “a particular Christian denomination or group of Christian believers”. Therefore, those terms I have aforementioned are groups of people known as churches. All of us are Christians, worship God as the supreme entity with the Holy Bible as the ultimate source of dogma we follow in our daily living. But, here's the thing, if all of those churches worship same deity and all of them use same book as their reference, how do they differ from each other? Answer: Modus Viviendi or Way of Life.

            Roman Catholic, Iglesia ni Cristo, Jehovah's Witness and Born-Again celebrate their Sundays with God. One may call it “simba”, “samba” or “Sunday service”. They don't just differ in their terminologies, they also differ in their way of celebrating their communion with God on the Sabbath day. All of their modus viviendi are founded by Bible, but why is there a distinction among them? Upon observance of the said churches, the variation rooted to the priorship and consolidated understanding of the Scriptures in the Bible by each churches. If you would go back to history, this started from the Great Schism that divided Christianity into 3 major denomination or churches, namely: Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox and Protestantism.

            One God, one Bible, one religion yet divided due to the diversion and existence of different churches that seemingly cannot be united. For a Christian who had a spiritual rebirth and just starting to have her walk with Jesus Christ, this proposition brings sadness to my soul. I have once read a status of a Facebook friend saying that she would rather stay as a non-believer than belong to a religion that is divided. Every soul counts and ought to be saved, but how can you bring Christ to her life and to people like her, with that kind of perception, for them to be enlightened and brought to salvation? For now this is beyond my human capability, and only God knows what must be done to enlighten the non-believers, for them to accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour wholeheartedly as the End Times approaches. Maybe someday I might have the gift of preaching and encouraging people to surrender themselves to God, and I will continuously pray for that time to come. As for now, I still have a lot of things to learn, things like how to introduce God to non-believers despite of the variation of the churches that follow His Will, and this is one of the hard nuts needed to be cracked by a Christian.

The End Where I Begin

“If I had not met you that day, then I wouldn't experienced that pain and sadness, and memories filled with tears, but if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, and memories filled with tears... But if I had not met you, I would also have not experienced that joy, excitement, preciousness, happiness, and the feeling of absolute happiness.”

-Mika Takahara, Koizora

Since that September of 2010, my life began to change. There's something battling inside my heart and my head. For the past two years, my life was like riding a roller coaster, full of excitement and loops, twists and turns I didn't imagined to happen. Joy, excitement, pain, pleasure, agony, and absolute happiness, I felt these in just a span of two years. Looking back to who I was before that September, those feelings I felt cannot be contained in just a year. What caused me to feel these? Love. My first love, which was an unrequited love.

I myself didn't believe with this, I'm in love? I keep on denying this to myself. How could this happen? I never come to the point of falling in love with any of my crushes, but this one is different for I was crazy in love. He is different among others. This man I call “Hatsukoi-san” really caught my heart. This man who unknowingly gave me my daily dose of drugs. He may not know it, but I really loved him. He's my very first thought every morning I wake up. I gave him more than what he could give me. But I also know that I'm not the one he love, nor the type of girl who he will fall in love with. But, like drugs, the feeling was so addictive. I kept taking in that drugs even if my mind said to stop. The more I resisted, the more it grew. I even used this drugs for my own advantage. It gave me the strength and courage to face anything I need to overcome. My heart was over my head, every thing I did was because of that drugs, and that drugs brought me to the peak of my pleasure and enchantment. But that drugs, also gave me my greatest fall. Having a broken heart.

My heart was tormented since that 29th of July last year. That day, after I discovered something that lose all of my hopes, I decided to go to our school church after class. I've been holding that painful feeling the whole day, wanting to cry every time I had an opportunity, but I resisted just so other people wouldn't saw me cry. I waited another hour to make sure that there would be no other people inside the church by the time I would cry. As I enter the church, I saw three of my close mates in the church entrance, I felt like my tears would fall, but I hold it back and took a forceful smile just to show them that I was okay. That gesture wasn't convincing. As I exited the church, one of them was seating and waiting at the doorway. I tried to smile for the last time to greet her. But the pain was so excruciating that my smile was so unbearable. Without words being said, I hug and wept in her shoulder. I was thankful for her sensitivity, because I really needed a shoulder to cry on. She may not knew what and who I was crying about, but she was willing to give comfort and be with me that night. I didn't had the courage to tell her the details and who caused me such weeping.

“Alam mo bang birthday pa ng kapatid ko ngayon?” (I should be celebrating my brother's birthday but there I was, weeping and agonizing with pain)

“I feel so rejected”

“Parang na-reject niya na ako!”

“Sorry, hindi ko masabi sa'yo kung sino siya.”

“Salamat talaga, *insert name*”

Those were the words I remembered I have said that night to her. It seemed like Nature also sympathized with what I felt that night, for She too cried continuously until I got home.

“Where do broke hearts go? Can they find there way home?”

- Whitney Houston, Where Do Broken Hearts Go

After the joy, excitement and preciousness came, the tears and pain followed. I felt so astray. Bitterness enveloped my heart. My heart became blind and deaf. Neglected every advice I've heard. I've become indifferent. I just thought of myself, I started to care for nobody. I've forgotten my sweet, simple definition of love. My vices became stronger. But, at the same time, I battled against it. I tried to hide everything that was happening inside me, through simple smiles and “Okay lang” answers, changing my hairstyle and the way I dress up. The considerate part of my heart said I must be happy for him and I must not blame him for what happened, but the aching part of my heart seeks for revenge. The considerate part said that Hatsukoi-san don't have any clue about my feeling and he is not worthy for such revenge, but the aching part said that he must pay for the damaged he caused me. I easily gave up. In this seemingly unending battle, my aching heart won. This is saddening. It dominated my whole system. I knew that revenge won't do anything good. It caused me to feel more pain. More tears rolled down my cheeks, more lost concentration, more brain cell killing-idle moments, more deprived sleeps and as this pain grew bigger and bigger, the more I became depressed. My emotions overpowered me. I was devoured by the pain. Lots of problem also came along the heartache – family, financial, academic. Sunday before the 14th of February, I reached the limit of my heart. The hole inside my heart turned into a black-hole, eaten all the feelings I have and felt empty. For one night, I felt so desolated. Empty. I was like a rug doll haphazardly thrown in bed, lifeless and worn out. As far as I remember, that night was the first deep sleep I had after that 29th of July. Short but deep. It was the end of that nearly suicidal nightmare.

“A woman's heart is a devotion of secrets.”

- Old Rose Dewitt-Buckateer, Titanic

After that eight months of agony, I made a simple vow to myself. And these precious memories filled with laugh, joy and pain – I will cherish in my heart for eternity. If my twin flame will come along the path and asks who was my first love, these I would be willing to share to him, for these experiences are now part of my foundation on becoming stronger and this surely will lead me to my twin flame.

“God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though he is not far from each one of us.”

- Ephesians 17:27, The Holy Bible

I have found Him once, but I was lost. I didn't hold on Him tightly, gave in to the tides of my feelings and for the second time I was again far away from Him. My relationship with him was on and off. Now, I'm seeking for Him for the second time, and this time I'm hoping for a long-term relationship with Him, He who offered His sacrificial love to me, He who I've neglected for many times, He who alwayspick me up when I fall down, He who don't get tired of loving me. And I must give something to him in return – by seeking and fulfilling my purpose.

“The cure for the heart is to move along.”

-The Script, The End Where I Begin

I am now in the process of healing, and for me to be completely healed, I must free myself from those painful memories and moved on, and I am moving on with Him. I must let go all the feelings I felt for Hatsukoi-san. I must let go all the pain I felt from those experiences. Those couple of forceful smiles I gave to many people during that fall is now true, a real smile from the heart. This experience showed me that this is not yet the time for me to really fall in love. I am not yet prepared for such thing for I am not yet whole, and only Jesus can fill that missing part of me. I'll let God's will to make me move on. With that, I'm letting everything be done in accordance to His will.

15th of July

Rummaging my old stuff, I found a box covered with dust

Letting out a puff, I saw the edge stashed with rust

Pulling out the filthy lid, it suddenly made me excited

Seeing the contents like a kid, old memories were invited

Checking the mementos one by one, I found a cloth with a slit

Aging and turning to color dun, there's a candy wrapper with a note on it

Reading the written words in faded blue, tears run down and turned to a cry

Scars of the past that became brand new, I remembered how a promise turned to a lie.

Reminiscing that 15th of July, it's the day when the moon was full

Not wanting to let it pass by, 'cause that day was filled with precious jewels

Eating candies, playing hide and seek, taking pictures---

Those are the things we did on that day, like young kids that live on a hay.

Hunted by the pain you brought to me, my dreams turned again into nightmares

Bringing out the strength within me, I cast a “spell” that can't be broken and dared

Uttering the words with all my might, this will make me forget you

A promise for myself that's worth a bite, “Again and in perpetuum, I won't fall for you”.