Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

Accept the past. Live the present. Prepare for the future.

            In the recent Miss Universe 2012, Ms. USA was asked with the question, “Do you regret something you have done in the past?” Her answer was dwindling, but in the end it turned out that she doesn't regret anything. Some other night, while having a discussion about my realizations on my situation, my “Jonathan”-friend asked me a synonymous question, “May pinagsisisihan ka ba?” I answered her firmly with a “No” answer, “Wala akong pinagsisisihan.”

          I can still remember one of my favourite quotes from my Philippine Literature teacher, “You don't regret what you did; You regret what you have not done.” This statement is quite valid for me. Most of the time people say, “Ay sana eto na lang ginawa ko.” Let's be more specific. After failing an exam, most of the students would have the tendency to say, “Ay sayang, konti na lang papasa na ako.” Those were the immediate reactions that people do to recent event or action. But, after a certain period of contemplation, scrutinizing the what if's and what should be done to prevent repetition of such occurrence, a lesson must be learned and treasured in yourself.

          If one regrets the things he have done in his past, he will be running in circle, and list of similar events would not be ended. So, how can you break the cycle and truly justify a “No” or “nothing” answer to the question, “Do you regret something you have done in the past?”? This is by admitting that you committed a mistake (That includes contrition and contemplation for a short period of time. How short is short, you may ask? That depends on your character, putting your determination in the spotlight.), learning a lesson from that mistake and having an optimistic disposition and appreciating what's in the present. Add to that, this process shouldn't be done repetitively with the same mistake. Accept the past. Live the present. Prepare for the future. Each of us is a sinner, no one lives a firm righteous life. At some point one have committed a mistake, but we can live towards the righteous path by harbouring the lessons we have drawn from these mistakes.

          To elaborate my answer to my friend's question, here's my detailed response:

          “No, I have no regret at all. I am not saying that I'm self-righteous nor Ms. Goody Two-shoes. You are aware how sinner I am. I've gone through contrition and contemplation. I've committed a lot of mistakes, maybe more than what you have known by now. But through this mistakes, I was able to learn lessons, real-life lessons that cannot be sufficiently learned from books and novels. Fiction and real-life stories read and told have inspired me, but it didn't give me the actual impression being in that kind of position, compared to the view I had while reading and listening, and the view of the character in the story I read and heard. Through hard knocks, similar to practical examinations in laboratory subjects given by professors, it allows us to determine how good are we in the application of our acquired theories. Without those hard knocks, I wouldn't know how strong or weak I have become up to that point. My real-life experiences test the stability of the character I have built, and that includes my trust in God, dignity, integrity and pursuit of certain tenets that I have acquired through tales told, obscure memories, institutions and other people. Committing mistakes means that one lacks of something, and that absence can be filled if one has a desire for transformation, a character transformation. I committed mistakes, and I am determined to be a totally transformed person. I am not proud nor ashamed of my mistakes, but I am humble to share the lessons and morals I got from this school of hard knocks called life if one would want to. Through these mistakes, I was also able to know people from different colours and shades, stretch my character and get out of my comfort zone. It made my maturity grew, pushes me to be considerate and desire to nurture and inspire people through nurturing myself. Also, with these mistakes, I am able to and continuously develop my character, become stronger and finally, I found in God the kind of love, care, strength and happiness I've been longing for. I highly appreciate who I have become right now, and I give all the credits to our Almighty God. Comparing myself before I made those mistakes, I'm really different from my old self, much better than before. My confidence now to the era called 'future' have increased, with my faith in the promise of God that He is preparing something good for me in the near future, and everything that happened in the past, happening here in the present and will occur in the future are part of His design. All I need to do now is to accept the past, live the present and prepare for the future.”