Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

Trauma ~Let Go, Little Angelica...~

“... I'm always here to help you in anything.” I was teary-eyed after reading that short message replied to my Christmas greetings, for it gave warmth to my heart. On the other hand, I was awed how these few words can pull me back to the scar of the past I cannot forget. I'm not referring to a pain of broken romance, but the pain of rejection and abandonment. I can still recall that day, it's been 12 years but it seems like it just happened yesterday. The memory is so vivid, even the feelings attached to it.

It happened when I was still a Grade 3 student. Papa gave me a blue G-shock watch a.k.a baby-G as a gift for me when he paid us a visit in the province. Much to my delight, the day after papa gave that watch I wore and showed it to my classmates with full glory, “Tignan mo o, baby-G, bigay sa 'kin ng Papa ko 'yan!” then draw my 10-megawatt smile. It has a white-painted metal frame to protect the glass face of the watch, with buttons that changes the time and setting, and a button that makes the face glow. I showed it with full of excitement and joy to every classmate that I saw that day, if I'm not mistaken, I even showed it to our class bully. Due to much enjoyment and curiosity, I pushed the different buttons of the watch then suddenly it had a “glitch”. I didn't know what to do at that moment, and to my fright and despair, I ask a classmate to fix it for me. My worry then turn back to happiness.

Suddenly, their treatment became cold towards me that day afternoon. I wondered, what have I done wrong? They teased me, called me by names, and even called me “mayabang”. Have I been boastful? They became mad at me – my classmates, my crush, the class bully, and even the person I treated as my best friend. I wasn't able to handle their coldness and anger, so I sulk and weep. They were talking around me while I was weeping on my arm chair. I heard them saying, “Ang yabang niya,” “Inayos ko nga 'yung relo niya kanina 'di man lang nag-thank you." They misunderstood the happiness I have projected through my baby-G watch. Then I heard a voice, from a female classmate who just entered our room. She didn't know what happened, so she asked, “Anong nangyari?” I looked at her, and inside my head, I was begging for her to take my side. To stand for me. “*insert name*, kampihan mo ako please.." Her presence gave me hope that I won't be alone. I looked at her face, it was blurry because of the tears in my eyes, saying in my mind, “Maawa ka sa 'kin, *insert name*.” But much to my surprise, she didn't heed to my silent pleading and said, “Ayokong masali diyan." She decided to play safe. My weep then turned to a cry. I cried and cried, sitting on my chair, putting my arms on the table and laying my forehead on my arms, just crying expecting my pain would be gone.

When I got tired of crying, I looked up and look around me. The room was empty. It was just me, the classroom chairs, the blackboard, my classmates' school bags, and the teacher's table and chair. I bowed down and started to cry again. I was alone. No one cared for me. They abandoned me, even the person I considered as my best friend. No one comforted me. All of them abandoned me. I was just a child, what have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? They were not insecure at me, I can't think of any reason for them to be insecure at me. They were smarter than me, those who caused the feud. They were richer than me, all of them who were against me. They should have been considerate to me, I am two years younger than them They should have treated me like a little sister. The worst part is, the person who I treated my best friend, just proved that I'm not her best friend, for she abandoned me.

I heard a creak from the metal door of our classroom. I didn't cared who entered the room for I didn't need to be comforted any more. I didn't want any amount of sympathy from someone any more. She spoke, and heard her voice, it was familiar. She tried to raise my head from my position, but I resisted. She tried again, but failed. She then said words that convinced me, so I voluntarily raised my head and looked at her face. It was my favourite teacher, my piano lesson tutor, my class adviser – Sister M*** M********. She assisted me as I stood up from my chair, held my arms as she guided me to the school clinic.

As she rummage the medicine box of the clinic, she keep on asking questions like, “Masakit ba ulo mo?” “Ano nararamdaman mo Angelica?” I can see the worry in her face, but I was already sobering and silent. I didn't know how to answer her. She then said, “ Dito ka muna, Angelica,” then exited the clinic. I stayed to the very place inside the clinic where she left me. I was standing in front a tall mirror. I can't remember what I have felt on that moment. Maybe I already felt empty. I looked at the mirror behind me, and saw the reflection of a 7-year old girl with a mole on her nape, wearing a white uniform with disarrayed blue collar designed with 3 white stripes, her eyes were glistening and swollen, hair bun was so messy, red and thick lips shining because of spit, puffy cheeks moisten by tears. Nakakaawa siya.

That memory had a great impact to my character. As I grow up, I become resentful, distant to people, became sceptic towards the intention of people around me, distrustful to people, and it made me mean, a bad girl inside. In spite of the pain, I learned to stand for myself, become independent, not wanting nor asking help from any people in any kind. Trauma can either tend the victim to violence or silence. From then on, I chose to be silent, observant of the people around me. I preferred to stay beside than to go under the limelight. But, along the way, I struggled with my dark side. I read a certain quote from the pavement of our elementary school and kept it as a tenet until now: “Never give up; Giving up is the greatest mistake." I struggled to change my perspective. Sought God. Sought myself. I smiled to them who caused me such wary, started new beginnings by mingling with new classmates I met in high school and college, but there were stimuli that keeps on stumbling on the way that reminds me of that past I've been trying to forget. There were also those “One step forward, two step backward” moments. I have forgiven the people who have caused me that pain, but the incident really induced a big impact, a great trauma that buries one of my foot in the past. I will never be able to forget that trauma, and all I can do for now is to increase my tolerance on the pain it carries, and this I can do by keeping myself stronger by each battle I fight. Letting go doesn't mean that things should be forgotten forever, it means that there are things that can't be changed and one must accept and learn from it in order to move on. I must let it go to protect the people in my present, the people I care for, and also myself from any greater danger that this trauma might cause in the future.

“For every effect there is a root cause. Find and address the root rather than try to fix the effect, as there is no end to the latter." That traumatic experience is just the effect of a root cause. Through in-depth thinking and analysis and revelations of untold secrets from the past, I finally found the root cause of all this things: IMMATURITY.