Que Sera Sera

Just a while a go I received an e-mail direct from the Staffing Specialist of a major manufacturer in the semiconductor industry(it's one of the companies in Fortune 500). The location of the plant is on the province(Pampanga to be exact) and they're inviting me to apply for their Manufacturing Leadership Development Program on February 13,2013, 9:00 AM. The requirements they're asking me to bring on the said date are 1 2x2 picture, an updated resume, photocopy of my transcript of records, one valid ID and a pen. After reading the e-mail, I was awe at my swivel chair! This one of Fortune top 500 companies, a big opportunity to be part of it! But, as I re-read the details of the letter, highlighting the date and the one requirement they ask to bring with me, it made me hesitate. I committed myself to assist on our college job fair, and that day, which is also the examination day for the MLDP, is the longest day between the two days that was allotted for the job fair. Not only that, since I just completed all my grades and subjects for me to be able to graduate just last January, I still don't have my transcript of records with me. Should I really be having difficulty in choosing between commitment and opportunity?

Hayayay, QUE SERA SERA...

Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

One step CLOSER...

First of all I would like to give my utmost gratitude to our GOD ALMIGHTY AND HIS SON JESUS CHRIST, for I have been broken, but through His grace I am healed and become better person, a closer child of Him. I've committed lots of mistakes, but through His discipline, He corrects my flaws. The road to being a true Christian is less travelled by some O Lord, but I am willing to walk through it and partake my role to Your marvellous design.

To MY PARENTS who are always there in spite of my secretive and mercurial temperament, thank you very much. Through that incident, I feel blessed and grateful that we've become more open about our thoughts and closer  with each other. I may have been existing for the past 21 years of your lives and levelled up in preparation to my career path, but no matter what happens, always remember that I'll be forever your baby Tona,:) konting tiis na lang po, mapapalago din natin ang AJ's Sari-sari Store to SM Supermarket's prestigious level, teeheeheehee!n_n

To my CANTOR COUSINS, couz, kaunti na lang magiging engineer na si ate AA niyo,n_n A piece of advice from your manang: No matter what happens, always remember: NEVER GIVE UP ON LIFE TRIALS, for God is always with you. HE NEVER GIVES UP ON YOU. Be optimistic, for you to be able to hear His voice and perceive His plans for you. Always seek His guidance. Pakisabi kay LOLA DOTE, bassit laengen, makakauwi na ang panganay niyang apo sa Pangasinan dala ang lisensiya bilang isang inhinyerong kimika,:)

To my BEST FRIENDS, CLOSE FRIENDS and FRIENDLY FRIENDS from SBDCC, SMDS, LDHS, and UST, especially to my UST ChE C 2012 FAMILY, thank you very much for all the care, concern, encouragements, beautiful memories, sermons, lessons and understanding you have given me. You have carved a great part of my life that makes me smile, cry and laugh every time I reminisce a montage of memories. You are one of the main reasons why I become this person who I am now. I'll cherish these until my last breath.

To UST Faculty of Engineering, former Dean Josefin De Alban and current Dean Philipina Marcelo, former and current Faculty Council members, to the Chemical Engineering Department, former Chairperson Dr. Edna Quinto and current Chairperson Prof. Lola Domnina Pestaño, to the Chemical Engineering Department members with special mention to Engr. Andrew Tengkiat and thesis adviser Dr. Maria Natalia Dimaano, to the UST Dominican priests, my deepest gratitude for all the considerations and support you have shown. I wish for your longevity of nourishing and inspiring new generations of Thomasian students through academic and real-life lessons, especially Thomasian Chemical Engineering students, inside and outside the university.

To DOST – SEI and UST – Engineering Class of '76, thank you for the financial and moral support you have given me. Like what the alumni have told, I'll never, never be complacent. I'll keep on growing, nurture all the aspects of my being. For every lessons I will learn, borrowing the tag line of Ryoma Echizen, I'll never fail to say “mada mada da ne!(There are still a lot of things that should be learned.)”

With all the changes I have gone through for my entire college life, from being a timid girl turned fan girl turned passionate lady turned God-loving person, I must say, HINDI KO PINAGSISISIHANG PINANINDIGAN KO ANG CHEMICAL ENGINEERING & UST SINCE THAT 11^TH OF APRIL 2007, in spite of the myriad temptations to give up my course and school, for these experiences in my book of life made me stronger and become a better, a mature person.

Thank you for this new stepping stone, my Lord. I'll never let go, never stop believing in You.

One step CLOSER. . .n_n

John 13:7

“Jesus replied: ' You do not realize what I am doing, but LATER YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.'”

Alumna no. 3-25-2007005766-12, officially SIGNING ON!

Faith Goals a.k.a. New Year's Resolution

I don't usually make a list of things that I would change to myself or the so-called "New Years Resolution". People usually would say, "Hindi rin naman matutupad 'yan eh." ut now, as I think about it, with that kind of mindset, I'm just limiting myself to grow up and giving myself an excuse not to level up. And also, I would like to make this 2013 different by challenging myself. So here it goes! :)

1. I'll stay optimistic round the clock
  Yeah right, I'm a self-confessed pessimistic during the first half of 2012, but as I gain confidence and strength through hardships, I desired and decided to maintain this acquired character throughout year 2013.

2. I'll regain my control on my whole being
you read it right, "regain my control" with an emphasis on the word "regain". When I was still young( younger than 12 years old), I can control myself -- my emotions, my mindset, my behaviour -- when I mingle with people and when I'm alone. And now, I want to return that attitude, that mindset, that controlled emotion,:)

3. I'll protect and increae the level of my dignity and integrity
When I was at still second year high school, I came to a point when I need to choose between protecting my dignity and integrity and relationship(not the romantic type okay! Just making things clear,teehee). I was still immature then( I was just 12 years old back then),  my character wasn't that solid and I have this trauma that made me choose relationship over dignity and integrity. Well, I don't have any regret though, because I was able to gain friends that turned out to be one of my close friends as we go along the run,:) But now, this two characteristics are very essential in order for you to survive in the "Real World"( this is base on real life experiences my friend, and I've seen how losing it can badly affect your life, trust me in here!:)), so before I enter the "Engineering World" that awaits me, I want to prepare myself through this in order to attain my goals,:) From now on, I won't do things out of desperation,:)

4. I'll be more of a God-pleasing person than people-pleasing person
As I become closer and closer to God, I want to please Him, and so that I would be stay put on the track that I should be travelling on,:)

5. I'll read the Bible more often
Before 2012, the last time that I can still remember that I've read the Bible was when I was still at a Dominican school. I chose to stop reading the Bible not because of the change in school(from Dominican school in elementary to Public school in high school), but because of an obscure memory I have back when I was young(this one is different from my trauma). That memory was a bloody one.

6. I'll move on from my heart break
This is it pancit!:) I found the right justifications, self-esteem and courage to finally move on,:) Add to that, I'll stop being that "bitter gourd", teeheehee

7. I'll stop being so judgemental
Because of my observant and silent nature, I've been criticizing and judging people inside of my head. So now, I'll be more considerate in knowing one's character, and will make ways to know them better,:)

8. I'll try to make the time gold
I'm a self-proclaimed time-boundless person,:) I'm not easily pressured by time. But, now, I would really, really put a great effort to change this mindset Carpe diem~ *wink wink*

9. I'll read more self-help books
To keep me learning things, not just chemical engineering lessons but also real life lessons, I'll invest on good books that will help my maturity grow,:)

Well, that's it for now. I'm looking forward to December 31,2013 smiling while reading and saying, "Thank you Lord, I learned new things again. We did it!" ^v^