Random thoughts #1

Ewan ko ba... The last time that I felt this way was 3 years ago pa. I was looking forward to this day to come but all of a sudden I'm regretting it, somehow. Not totally. History repeats it's self ika nga, ba't ganun? Ganun ba talaga ako ka-gaga sa larangan ng pag-ibig? Bullshit! Eh di ko nga mahal yung taong yun eh, crush lang. CRUSH lang. Pero ba't ganto? Parang yung first or second stages ng mga sakit na naranasan ko noon kay Hatsukoi parang nararanasan ko ulit ngayon? 'Yung totoo, kelan ba kasi ako pagbibigyan ni Kupido na masuklian din itong nararamdaman ko? Nakakatakot ba akong tao para maging undeserving sa ganung klase ng relasyon? Hindi ba ako karapat-dapat makaramdam ng ganun? Nasusuka ako sa mga sinasabi ko ngayon, kasi wala pang Pebrero pero pumapag-ibig na naman ako, at ang gulo-gulo na naman ng nararamdaman ko. Pakisampal nga ako pag nakita niyo ako sa tabi-tabi. -_-

Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

crossroad

Few days ago I just passed through another crossroad of my life. 'Di ko akalaing malalagpasan ko 'yun. Akala ko ma-i-stuck na ako sa gitna. Pero, ngayon ba't parang gusto kong bumalik dun at piliin ang isa pang daan? Ewan ko nga ba. Parang mas makakabuti pa para sa lahat kung yung isang daan na lang ang pinili ko. Ngayong nandito na ako bigla akong nag-karoon ng doubt. Ipinangako ko pa man din na kapag nakalagpas ako sa crossroad, I won't ask "why?" Well, technically, I'm not asking why's but I'm really having doubts. Lately napaka-scatter brain ko, absent minded, makanti lang ng konti bumabalik ako sa dati. Para bang binabalewala ko lahat ng effort ko na magbago for the past 4 years. Ay ewan. Sobrang sabog talaga ng utak ko. Gan'to kasi, pangalanan natin ang first option na road A, at ikalawa naman ay road B. Yung road A,  tuloy sa pag-usad, yun yung next level para ma-upgrade ako academically. Okay, dederetsuhin ko na, yun ung pagpasok sa bagong academic year. Si road B naman, rest(take note rest, not QUITTING!). I could have a time to do "soul searching"(familiar?).  Sa loob ng nakaraang anim na buwan yan ang iniisip ko. Pag si road A ang pinili ko, hindi ako maiiwan, makakasabay ako sa agos, ngunit walang kasiguraduhan kung hanggang saan ako tatangayin ng agos na yaon. 'Pag si road B naman, makakapagpahinga ako, at most 2 orbital rotation ng earth(haha, yoko sabihin ng diretso,pasenxa). Mas malaki ang chance na ma-acheive ko yung long term goal ko na baguhin ang dating ako 'pag Road B ang pinili ko, kaso may maiiwanan ako, at saka masiyadong makasarili. Ngunit eto, ngayong napili ko na si Road A, wala nga akong naiwan, pero sarili ko naman unti-unting nawawala, napeperwisyo yung mga taong inalala kong maiiwan ko,yung mga taong nasa paligid ko. Nagtanong ako sa isang kaibigan, tama lang bang yung Road A ang pinili ko? Tama lang daw, kasi kung 'di ko yun pinili ano lamang ang mangyayari sa mga maiiwan ko. Pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon, ke andun ako o wala walang pinag-iba, kasi andun man ako o wala, ayos lang yung mga taong inalala kong maiiwan ko. Ngayon, gulong-gulo na ang utak ko. I can't make any decision, especially a major decision. Ang pangit mang pakinggan pero, hihintayin ko muna ang mga susunod na mangyayari bago ako gumawa ng isang malaking hakbang. Sa ngayon, kailangan ko munang gampanan ng MAAYOS(problema sa 'kin 'to, haha) ang lahat responsibilidad. Ika nga,ONE STEP AT A TIME.