Coz I'm giving up on him...BUT not on LOVE,:)

“I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have love you

for a thousand years, I love you for a thousand more...”

(This song was the song we sang together noong February 9,2013. Chorus part only, at di niya kinakanta ang “I love you” part. Ang sakit lang. 0% probability na talaga ang chance na mahalin niya ako the way I love him. Alam ko namang di ako ang priority niya eh. Naalala ko nung tumawag siya dati tapos tinanong ko kung bakit siya napatawag, 'di daw kasi sumasagot si *insert name here*. See, reserba lang ako! Tapos nung nag-cha-chat kami about interview, bigla siyang di na nag-reply. 'yun pala online na si *insert name here*. Nag-reply siya mga pasado ala-una ng umaga. Buwisit lang talaga, ganito pala ang feeling kapag hindi ikaw ang priority ng taong minsan mong pinahalagahan at prinioritize.T.T)

Sabi ni *insert name here*, baka bitter lang ako kaya gan'to ang nararamdaman ko towards him. Andami lang kasing tumatakbo sa isip ko, and it all boils down to blaming myself. Mali ba na piniling kong 'di ko sabihin sa kanyang mahal ko siya at antaying siya ang magsabi sa 'kin na mahal niya ako? But, ano pa nga ba ang dapat antayin ko? Ano pa nga ba ang dapat asahan ko sa kanya? During the *insert name of event here*, tinanong ni *insert name here* kun anong status ng relationship nila ni *insert name here*, siya ang tinanong kasi sa lalaki daw dapat manggaling ang sagot. “Best friend”, that was his answer. Suddenly, my mind flashes back to the time when the father in Caleruega said, “Marry your best friend”. Talo na ako. Wala na akong pag-asa. Kahit lumaban ako wala na rin. At eto ang isa sa mga masakit na sampal sa 'kin ng katotohanan ngayon. He already chose the person that he would marry someday, his bestfriend, who is also my bestfriend, the person I threat as my “Jonathan”-friend. Ayaw kong siya ang maging dahilan to ruin my relationship with my bestfriend. I'll do anything and everything just to protect my relationship with her, yes I value relationships, but I value friendships more than romantic relationship/love. Kaya nga never kong sinabi nor in-attempt na sabihin sa kanya ang feelings ko eh. Kaya rin nga nung tinanong ako ni *insert name here*, “What if manligaw sa 'yo si *insert name here*?”, sinabi ko sa kanya na hinding-hindi ko siya papatulan, itaga niya pa sa bato, kasi gusto kong tumatak sa isip niya na sila man ang magkatuluyan ni *insert name here*, hindi-hindi ako hahadlang sa kanilang dalawa anuman ang manyari. At isa pang masakit na sampal, kahit anong gawin kong pag-move on mahal ko pa rin pala siya. Na-realize ko 'yan mula nang sabihin niyang yuck ang mga squatter. Pinandirihan niya ang mga squatter, which is a part of me. Dati kaming nakatira sa squatters' area, and that makes me a squatter too. And kahit nakalipat na kami ng tirahan, I feel that I'm still a squatter. “Once a squatter, always a squatter,” they say. I should have known, hindi pala siya 'yung taong inaakala ko. Akala ko tanggap niya ang mga mahihirap. Ang mga squatter na tulad ko. Pero dahil sa mga narinig ko, nasaktan ako ng sobra. Another rejection in silence. Masakit na isang taong katulad niya ang minahal ko, dahil sa kanya, sa heartbreak and sa depression bumagsak ako sa Equipment Design, dahil sa kanya hindi ako sumama(take note, it's intentional) sa field trip namin for Chemical Engineering Practice na nag-cause pa ng isang delay(may nalaman kasi akong gagawin niya sa field trip one week before the said school activity), dahil sa kanya nawala sa 'kin ang malaking opportunity na maging Process Engineer sa Petron, dahil sa kanya ang daming oras na nasayang career wise sa pag-aantay kong maging maayos ang grades ko sa Equipment Design. A myriad slaps on my face again. I want to look at the silver lining pero mas nangingibabaw ang sobrang sakit ngayon. Napapa-give up ako. Gusto ko nang isuko ang lahat kay Lord. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ang puso ko kaiibig at kaiiyak sa kanya sa katahimikan. Minsan gusto ko nang sigawan siya, magalit sa kaniya at sampalin siya. Pero anong karapatan ko? He might just mock me and blame me for my own misery. All the blame is on me. Kasalanan ko, umibig ako sa taong inakala kong tanggap ako, kahit squatter lang ako, kahit isang isip-bata lang ako. Kasalanan ko, na nahulog ang loob ko sa lalaking dating minahal ng best friend ko. All the blame is on me. Naalala ko, noong inoperahan ako dahil sa acute appendicitis, hiniling ko sa Kaniya na gawin niya akong guardian angel ng mga taong mahalaga sa 'kin. Sana noon pa lang, tinupad niya na ang wish ko. Yes, I have learned new lessons, to value dignity and integrity, to give myself worth, and I become closer to Him. Pero is there something more to this? Patience is a virtue they say, but how long should I wait? Hay, sabi nga ni Scott M. Peck sa “The Road Less Traveled”, I must endure the pain. All for Him. Lord, help me please, give me some strength to face this new battle I'm on. I don't want to be broken again. I don't want to be drifted away from you again. I don't want my relationship with *insert name here* be broken just because of a lowly person like him. Lord, I need You so badly. I need Your strength. Nagmamakaawa po ako, tulungan niyo po ako Lord, heal me with your Love. :(((((((((((

Que Sera Sera

Just a while a go I received an e-mail direct from the Staffing Specialist of a major manufacturer in the semiconductor industry(it's one of the companies in Fortune 500). The location of the plant is on the province(Pampanga to be exact) and they're inviting me to apply for their Manufacturing Leadership Development Program on February 13,2013, 9:00 AM. The requirements they're asking me to bring on the said date are 1 2x2 picture, an updated resume, photocopy of my transcript of records, one valid ID and a pen. After reading the e-mail, I was awe at my swivel chair! This one of Fortune top 500 companies, a big opportunity to be part of it! But, as I re-read the details of the letter, highlighting the date and the one requirement they ask to bring with me, it made me hesitate. I committed myself to assist on our college job fair, and that day, which is also the examination day for the MLDP, is the longest day between the two days that was allotted for the job fair. Not only that, since I just completed all my grades and subjects for me to be able to graduate just last January, I still don't have my transcript of records with me. Should I really be having difficulty in choosing between commitment and opportunity?

Hayayay, QUE SERA SERA...

Silver Linings ~for my Hatsukoi-san...~

The best mistake I have done was giving him my unrequited, secret love. Maybe you're thinking now that I'm crazy. How am I able to describe that mistake as the best? It's because through that mistake, I grow and mature as a person. Let me tell you the story piece by piece.

I met him during the days when I made a major decision of my life: to undergo major character transformation. I'm really aching for a big change at that time, I'm tired being that fat, negra, chinitang Angelica. So, to start my transformation, I started from inside to outside then alternating. I research different school of philosophy I learned from high school that might help me to built a strang character -- Humanism, Epicureanism, Stoicism, and other Hellenistic philosophy. I listened and sticked to one Jpop artist -- Hamasaki Ayumi. I am very awed with her persona, her prowess in her chosen field. I wanted to be like her, in my own way. I studied her songs, dig in deep to the core of the messages her song conveys. I even analysed her attitude and style. Afterwrds, I applied all my findings on her character. I cut my wavy hair short, underwent my so-called "siopao diet" and gradually changed my clothing, from my baggy pants and loose shirts to skinny jeans and tight blouse. Well, the physical transformation wasn't still that appealing 'cause I don't have money to buy new clothes(even until now) so I use hand-downed clothes from my mother. And at the same time, it's as if mama was aware of my desire to undergo transformation because she order new sets of uniform for me. But, it turned out that the color of the uniform she ordered was 3 shades darker than the usual. Even if I was already at 4th year college, I felt so ashamed wearing it I even scratch my arms out of anger the night before I wore it. Going back to him, in spite of my aching self-pity and self-loathe inside of me, he was there praising and cheering me up during the times I feel so down. Those simple laugh with him and our friends that I thought that was nothing to be taken seriously suddenly turned out to be one of the things I look forward to every time I talk with him, even if the topic so trivial it made me happy being with him. I just ignore those "happy feelings" I feel whenever I'm with him. I thought it was nothing. Then suddenly when I saw him and the love of his love, it gave a pang in my heart. Then came the confusion.

September 17,2010 -- Then came the first tear for him fall. Morning before I go to our AM class, I walk to our prayer to meditate regarding our Coastal Clean-Up. I don't have money to go to the said event. Ang sabi pa man din ng prof namin dun required 'yun. So, I asked for His help for His provision. Then suddenly, the scene of him and the apple of his eye flashed in my mind. A tear rolled down my cheeks. I even touched it cause I can't really believe with what happened. What was that for, I said to myself. That "happy feeling" seemed to evolved. Why? How? When did it started? Evolved to what?

I shared my insights and memories about him to a high school friend. Through her, I realize that I was in love. OH DAMN, ANGELICA FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME~! Yeah you read it right, for the first time. Denial queen pa ako sa sarili ko, umabot ng kalahating taon ng kaka-deny ng, "Hindi, hindi ako in love! Imposible 'to! Di siya 'yung tipo ko eh, malayong-malaaaaaaaayo siya sa ideal guy ko!" As in, super. Everyday, I tried to suppress that feeling, 'cause I know it won't do good for me, for him, for the both of us. Kaso nga lang, the more I suppress it, the more it grew, until I got "high" with my love for him, and until he broke my heart without him knowing it. And from that moment, I wasn't able to hold back my feelings anymore, it's too painful. I feel everyday I wanna die, I gave up and all I wanted was to have revelry, go home late at night and stay away from him. I wanted him so badly. 'Yung feeling na gusto mong suklian ang pagmamahal mo kaso di mangyari, masyadong masakit. Gusto ko nang sabihin sa kanya na "Oi, alam mo ba, mahal kita, matagal na nga eh," but I am to ashamed so coward to face the consequences of the action I will do. Nasa isip ko rin palagi ang sinasabi ni mama na, "give yourself some dignity". Sinabi rin ng mga friends ko, "Manok ang lumalapit sa palay, not the other way around". Babae ako, hindi lang ang iisipin ng ibang tao ang inaalala ko ng mga oras na 'yun kundi pati na rin ang self-worth ko. Outside, it may seem a courageous act, saying to him that I love him from the bottom of my heart. But Inside, it lowers your self-respect.

The effect of the broken heartedness is so spontaneous that even the people around me were badly affected -- my friends, my classmates, my professors, the department, the university, the alumni. Damn that feeling, dahil sa pagiging brokenhearted ko sa secret love ko sa kanya. Sabi ng friend ko sabihin ko na sa kanya, para malaman niya kung gaano kalaki ang impact niya dahil sa ugali niyang 'yun. Pero hindi ba't ako rin naman ang dapat sisihin, kasi hinayaan kong ma-fall sa isang taong katulad niya? Na alam ko naman nang may usto siyang iba eh nagkagusto pa rin ako sa kanya? Oh pag-ibig, pag napasok talaga sa puso ninuman, parang isang nagngangalit na apoy na walang makakapigil, kusang mawawala sa puntong maubos ang punong nagpapaliyab rito. 

But, at the end of the the brokenheartedness, I am so thankful that I met him. Nagkagayun man, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nanagyari. The bottom line of this process is that my character transformation is hasten.Hindi na ako 'yung Angelica na kikiyeme-kiyeme, I am too eager now to learn new things, to explore the world, and be a true Christian. Yes, the last word sums it all, through brokenheartedness, I was able to do one new step on my road towards the path of being a true Christian, and that's the SILVER LINING, :)

Listen to this song: Secret Love by Mandy Moore

Thursdays With Mamita

Nope. This blog entry isn't a parody of Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie", but somehow it is comparable to his real-life for this is story I am going to tell you is also real-life too. Mamita, a pun of her contracted name "Marita", and also a name called for a mommy -- that's how we, her thesis advisees bach 2011 - 2012, address her aside from Ma'am Dimaano. Today is the third week of my -- hmmm, how can I say this -- voluntary work as an Assistant to the Coordinator of UST Faculty of Engineering - Industry-Academe Linkage Program (the words in bold letters is just second to her positions in the Academe). I decided to help her as one of my ways in giving back to all the good things she has done for me. She taught me one of the greatest things that I have been carrying since our thesis days -- Independence and Integrity. I was also inspired by her high energy and "kaliksihan" in doing her duties despite of her petite body and high heels. I also wanted to be connected with the academe where I came from even if I am already an alumna - the what's new in the department, the researches that Mamita is handling now, and so forth. I can say, that she is one of the people that you will be awed the moment she touches your life.

Got to go, Mamita have a visitor, a professor from Kansas State University, in her Material Science Laboratory to attend to. Ciao~!

Curiosity~tell me why~

Last January 1^st I read forum about a head pastor that had an argument with a non-member of his church. The non-member asked why did God let the first born male children died in Egypt. I don't know exactly happened, but the response of the pastor is summed up to the statement: there are things that should be accepted the way they are, and that's open-mindedness. I agree with what he have said, but maybe the reason why this non-member seemed cantankerous is because his questions weren't answered directly. He wanted to be enlightened, so he is seeking for answers. Knowing that he is the head pastor, stereotyped as intelligent, the non-member presumed that his questions to a head pastor would be given clarity. But, it seems like that wasn't the case. If the Pastor was able to give the answers that the non-member needs to know, would there be such kind of issue? And, based on the exchanges of posts in the forum thread between the non-member's friend and the head pastor, shouldn't he said things in a calm, convincing way rather than his provocative, condemning tone? I want to ask this question, is that open-mindedness?

The moment I read that forum, I also asked myself: why did God allowed it to happen? Of what I have understood on the Bible story I have read, this massive killing of the the first born male children is a punishment, not to the children but to the Egyptians and the Pharaoh for enslaving His people of Israel. First born male children are the heir of their father. Killing the first born male children of Egyptians, including the son of the Pharaoh, removes the heirs of the enslaving land. It's like cutting the effect from its root.

“But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions.”(Genesis 15:14)

One step CLOSER...

First of all I would like to give my utmost gratitude to our GOD ALMIGHTY AND HIS SON JESUS CHRIST, for I have been broken, but through His grace I am healed and become better person, a closer child of Him. I've committed lots of mistakes, but through His discipline, He corrects my flaws. The road to being a true Christian is less travelled by some O Lord, but I am willing to walk through it and partake my role to Your marvellous design.

To MY PARENTS who are always there in spite of my secretive and mercurial temperament, thank you very much. Through that incident, I feel blessed and grateful that we've become more open about our thoughts and closer  with each other. I may have been existing for the past 21 years of your lives and levelled up in preparation to my career path, but no matter what happens, always remember that I'll be forever your baby Tona,:) konting tiis na lang po, mapapalago din natin ang AJ's Sari-sari Store to SM Supermarket's prestigious level, teeheeheehee!n_n

To my CANTOR COUSINS, couz, kaunti na lang magiging engineer na si ate AA niyo,n_n A piece of advice from your manang: No matter what happens, always remember: NEVER GIVE UP ON LIFE TRIALS, for God is always with you. HE NEVER GIVES UP ON YOU. Be optimistic, for you to be able to hear His voice and perceive His plans for you. Always seek His guidance. Pakisabi kay LOLA DOTE, bassit laengen, makakauwi na ang panganay niyang apo sa Pangasinan dala ang lisensiya bilang isang inhinyerong kimika,:)

To my BEST FRIENDS, CLOSE FRIENDS and FRIENDLY FRIENDS from SBDCC, SMDS, LDHS, and UST, especially to my UST ChE C 2012 FAMILY, thank you very much for all the care, concern, encouragements, beautiful memories, sermons, lessons and understanding you have given me. You have carved a great part of my life that makes me smile, cry and laugh every time I reminisce a montage of memories. You are one of the main reasons why I become this person who I am now. I'll cherish these until my last breath.

To UST Faculty of Engineering, former Dean Josefin De Alban and current Dean Philipina Marcelo, former and current Faculty Council members, to the Chemical Engineering Department, former Chairperson Dr. Edna Quinto and current Chairperson Prof. Lola Domnina Pestaño, to the Chemical Engineering Department members with special mention to Engr. Andrew Tengkiat and thesis adviser Dr. Maria Natalia Dimaano, to the UST Dominican priests, my deepest gratitude for all the considerations and support you have shown. I wish for your longevity of nourishing and inspiring new generations of Thomasian students through academic and real-life lessons, especially Thomasian Chemical Engineering students, inside and outside the university.

To DOST – SEI and UST – Engineering Class of '76, thank you for the financial and moral support you have given me. Like what the alumni have told, I'll never, never be complacent. I'll keep on growing, nurture all the aspects of my being. For every lessons I will learn, borrowing the tag line of Ryoma Echizen, I'll never fail to say “mada mada da ne!(There are still a lot of things that should be learned.)”

With all the changes I have gone through for my entire college life, from being a timid girl turned fan girl turned passionate lady turned God-loving person, I must say, HINDI KO PINAGSISISIHANG PINANINDIGAN KO ANG CHEMICAL ENGINEERING & UST SINCE THAT 11^TH OF APRIL 2007, in spite of the myriad temptations to give up my course and school, for these experiences in my book of life made me stronger and become a better, a mature person.

Thank you for this new stepping stone, my Lord. I'll never let go, never stop believing in You.

One step CLOSER. . .n_n

John 13:7

“Jesus replied: ' You do not realize what I am doing, but LATER YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.'”

Alumna no. 3-25-2007005766-12, officially SIGNING ON!

Alis Volat Propriis by Octavio Storace

This is my favourite poem at the moment, hope you will like it too!n_n

A butterfly flies across the dark sky
And comes upon a brilliant light, nearby

She finds herself amidst its glow

Drawn closer by its impressed show

She dances delightedly in its warmth

Her wings fluttering back and forth

But the light, both a friend and foe

Now causes this dear creature such woe

She finds her sulken wings are charred

Her perceptions, suddenly so marred.

She sinks into the dark abyss of night

A remnant of her former self in flight

There she lay, trembling in the dark

She seems so lifeless, with little spank

Then, gradually, to my sheer delight

Her singed wings lift her up with might

She flies with her own wings, yet frayed

And amongst the garden flowers she plays

She flies with her own wings, yet still frail

A testament that her love for life prevails.